Gossip & Shit October 31st 2011

In the most obvious news and gossip of the century so far, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have divorced after just 72 days of being married. They site irreconcilable differences. I say he got tired of getting falling into her cavernous vagina.

Demi Moore is in trouble for roughing up a paparazzi. Have you seen how skinny and frail she is lately? That’s like suing your baby sister for assault.

Terrell Owens wants to pay less child support. Nope.

Tonya Cooley from The Real World said she was raped with a toothbrush while she was passed out and that it was filmed. MTV says she is full of shit. I say I don’t even remember this chick. Maybe she was on one of those random seasons, like Real World Botswana.

Insert Coin: Double Dragon

“The player takes control of martial artist Billy Lee, or his twin brother Jimmy as they fight their way into the turf of the Shadow Warriors gang in order to rescue their common love interest Marian. The player character has a repertoire of martial art techniques which they can perform by using the joystick and three action buttons (kick, jump, and punch) individually or in combination. Techniques ranges from basic punches and kicks, to more elaborate maneuvers like hair grabbing moves or elbow punches.”

The leader of the Shadow Warriors is named Willy. I’ll never be afraid of a man with that name. I don’t care if I’m a woman walking down the alley of a dangerous street towards a group of obvious sociopaths one of which is carrying the type of gun that is normally strapped to the top of a vehicle on a battlefield. Oh, Marian. In the pantheon of damsels in distress in video games she has to be one of the dumbest. Seriously. If you saw this group on the news you’d never go to that neighborhood let alone slowly walking towards you on the street. Of course they punch her in the stomach and fling her over their shoulder and walk away.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Nicolas Cage

“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.“ Nicolas Cage

I cant believe it took me ten Bad Ass Mofo blogs to finally get around to the man that exemplifies what it means to be a Bad Ass Mofo. This weeks entrant is the craziest man on the planet, Nic Cage. Born Nicolas Kim Coppola, Cage started off as a normal actor doing normal roles. This was just a front for the batshit insanity that dwelled within him. Proof of his incredible acting skills can be seen by the fact that even till this day we still believe he is a human being. He’s not. He’s a fucking vampire! Or Highlander. Either way he has been around for hundreds of years and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Not that we’d want to. The honorary mascot of The DNA Show lives inside each of us. Even jawless Roger Ebert once said "There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson and Pacino, usually. How often do you see the name of Nicolas Cage? He should always be up there.”

Gossip & Shit October 25th 2011

Jennifer Aniston may or may not be pregnant. I may or may not care. Let me check. Nope. Don’t care.

Why is Lindsay Lohan doing a Playboy shoot when 1. She looks like a crackwhore now. 2. We have already seen every inch of her emaciated nude body. And C. You can see the same body type on Feed The Children commercial?

Scarlett Johansson dyed her hair black and I disagree with this decision. “Yeah, me too…” Penis said.

Tara Reid lied about being married. Then she lied by saying she’s an actress.

Sex & The City With Dante

Hello. My name is Dante and I have watched every single episode of Sex & The City. I sat and watched them an entire season at a time and loved it despite thinking that I would hate it. Esepcially since it stars Sarah Jessica Parker who I really don’t like looking at for more than a moment. This is about the characters though, not the real people so opinions in this are based solely on the show, not real life. If you haven’t seen this show, you should check it out. You may like it. Don’t judge me.

Carrie Bradshaw. She works as a columinist and spends lots of money on clothes and shoes. I could just say that and it’ll pretty much cover Carrie. But then I wouldn’t get the chance to mention the fact that she ruins perfectly good men in New York. She has an on again off again “relationship” with Mr. Big who is a total dick. She even makes his fiance fall down some stars and chip her tooth! Its like she intentionally finds men who are wrong for her and decides “Oh, he’s cute. Lets see what I can do to make him bitter!” She meets Aiden who is just about the best guy ever and breaks his heart. When he bumps into her a while later and has a kid and stuff I screamed at the screen “Stay away from her!” She ends up with Mr. Big and I’m happy because I like when two messed up people hook up.

FAP FILES: TV Moms

Last year I made a small list of hot mothers from TV. I left a lot of women out because, well, I’m a lazy son of a bitch. I could honestly make a list with at least ten different ladies but I wanted to go with the ones that were truly Fapable. So no you will not be seeing Carol Brady or the mom from Family Ties. This isn’t about nice or wholesome moms. This is about hot ass ones that usually had ugly husbands. You got your pants around your ankles? Good. Lets go!

Morticia Addams. The funny thing about her is that I didn’t want to see her without makeup. When I was younger I had a huge crush on Elvira and then one day I saw her in normal form and it totally killed my boner. Carolyn Jones who played Morticia was a rare exception. She was hot in either form. If you search for pictures of her there are a bunch showing Anjelica Huston who played her in a later film which was just ridiculous. That’s like getting Michelle Williams to play Marilyn Monroe in a film. Huh? You’re kidding. Okay. That’s totally happening.

Lindsay Lohan Is A Stupidface

Lindsay Lohan likes going to jail. At least that’s my educated guess. She recently got in trouble for violating her probation. The best part about her getting in trouble so much is that not only does it prove that if you’re known for being in terrible films and being drunk constantly you will not stay in jail, but that the justice system is a ridiculous whore that picks and chooses who it wants to fuck. I’m a dick so I decided to take all of Lohan’s mug shots and rate them. I’ve decided to include a court photo and this one from when she used to be attractive. I know right?! She was hot once. Its sad because its not like this is some 36 year old broad that has been around since I was a kid. She’s 25.

Ross Radio Show 97

In this episode I play some progressive rock with some just awesome music tossed in for good measure. Billy Squier Lonely Is The Night, Rush Spirit Of The Radio, Journey Any Way You Want It, Corey Hart Sunglasses At Night, Eddie Money Take Me Home Tonight, Asia Heat Of The Moment, Hall & Oates Private Eyes, King Crimson 21st Century Schizoid Man, Phil Collins Something Happened On The Way To Heaven, Deep Purple Perfect Strangers, and Yes Roundabout. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Gossip & Shit October 19th 2011

Shia LeBouf got his ass kicked by some dude with no shirt on in the streets. I would love to give this man a gold medal. This kid for whatever reason thinks he's a tough guy.

The Lingerie Football League is trying to recruit Michael Jackson’s daughter for their flag football league. She is 13. Yeah.

Demi Moore needs to stop wearing shirts with no sleeves. “For real though…” Bruce Willis did not say but probably thought.

Halle Berry’s ex husband is pissed that a nanny has to be around during his visits with her. Good. That’s the price you pay for being inside “The Berry!”

Insert Coin: X-Men

“The game takes place in the Danger Room, a training area for the X-Men inside the X-Mansion. A virus transmitted via satellite has infected the Danger Room, disabling control and safety limits. The X-Men must endure the unpredictable behavior of the Danger Room until the virus can be located and eliminated. Once the virus is eliminated, the X-Men discover that Magneto is behind the computer virus and the final stage involves a battle with him.”

This game was so badass. I had seen the X-Men cartoon (the old one that wasn’t on Fox Saturday mornings) and read about the characters in Wizard magazine but did not own a single damn issue of the comics. I knew which ones I liked though. I wanted to cut some shit using Wolverine. I wanted to charge up some playing cards and wreck shit as Gambit. I wanted to, uh, appear a few feet away as Nightcrawler. Cyclops? Whatever. He’s always lame. Laser eyes? Get that shit out of here.

FAP FILES: Stacey Dash

I first saw Stacey Dash in some bad old movies when I was younger. Then she popped up (amongst other things…) in Clueless back in 1995. Jesus, was it really that long ago that movie came out? Shit. She played a character named Dionne that was supposed to be 16 years old. She was 28! Stick that in your smoke and pipe it. Now, I know nowadays that’s nothing special. You look at old shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and the kids are obviously in the mid-30’s with 8 o’clock shadows. But I for reals thought that she was a teenager, not someone old enough to have one. Her ability to look Time in the face and go “Fuck you, I got other plans!” is one of the many reasons she is being inducted into The Fap File this week.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Eric Roberts

“You can't do that man. I mean you don't abuse 'em once in a while they'll shit all over you. I don't mean you walk around morning to night whackin' 'em upside the head like someone from the other side but you terrorize 'em once in a while just to keep 'em in line. Know what I mean?” Paulie Pope Of Greenwich Village

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo of the week is Eric Roberts. I’m sure some of you are asking yourself why him of all the actors on the planet. Gee, I don’t know. Maybe its because he’s one of the best actors in the goddamn universe! I first became a fan of Roberts when I was younger and saw one of my top ten favorite films of all time, Best Of The Best. Don’t judge me. Its about a ragtag American karate team heading to Korea and whipping some accented ass! Roberts was the heart of the team and there is a scene where it just breaks your heart watching him try to achieve his dream of reaching the Olympics. But don’t think he’s soft or else he’ll kick your face down your throat. Its totally possible.

Ross Radio Show 96

Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands so I chose to play some of my favorite songs of theirs. Oceans, Porch, Yellow Ledbetter, Temple Of The Dog Hunger Strike, Go, Daughter, Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town, Corduroy, Ole, Given To Fly, Once, Glorified G, In Hiding, Last Kiss, Just Breathe, Nothingman, Black, Do The Evolution, Brain Of J, State Of Love And Trust, and Love Boat Captain. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

TV Slut: Kick Buttowski Suburban Daredevil

For some reason the only new cartoons I seem to like are completely insane. First Throwback introduced me to Phineas and Ferb and for weeks he’s been asking me if I watched Kick Buttowski Suburban Daredevil yet. I hadn’t. Why? I got like 1,200 blogs and a new TV. I was occupied. And half lazy. So today I finally sat my ass down and watched about five episodes and I have to admit that this is one of the most silly, crazy, fun cartoons I have seen in a long time. It centers around Clarence "Kick" Buttowski and the crazy stunts and life he leads. With the movies that Disney keeps putting out you’d think they would focus on making a really good animated film based off these latest cartoons. Or maybe they have like years ago and I have no idea what the blue hell I’m talking about.

Gossip & Shit October 16th 2011

Lindsay Lohan could go to jail for a few months for not completing her community service. Which means she will get a new mug shot and leave an hour later because of overcrowding. We know the drill, justice system.

Ashton Kutchner fucked a very average looking girl and will likely end up divorcing Demi Moore. “Hide ya kids, and hide ya wives…” Antoine Dobson should’ve said. The chick, Sara Leal, is bragging about the unprotected sex they had. I don’t mind unprotected sex because I’m not rich. Don’t judge me.

The rumors are still flying around that Beyonce is actually not pregnant. I need a definite answer, damn it. I cant keep telling guys to fly their penises at half staff if this is a false alarm.

Theater Whore: The Ides Of March & Real Steel

I don’t wanna right off the bat call this a political thriller because its not. I also don’t want to call it a drama because The Ides Of March is more than that. I’m having a hard time describing this film but what I can say is that I really enjoy it. If you had told me that a movie about a guy running for office would be one of the best films I have seen this year I would have said “Who are you and how did you get into my home?!”

I cant cover this like I do many of my reviews because there are far too many actors in it who put in such great performances. There is a scene where George Clooney (Oh Brother Where Art Thou?, Burn After Reading, The American) and Ryan Gosling (Drive, Crazy Stupid Love, Half Nelson) go back and forth with each other in a verbal tennis match that should inspire anyone that wants to be an actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman (Punch Drunk Love, Moneyball, Capote) has some very good scenes where if he were going up against anyone other than Paul Giamotti (Sideways, Win/Win, American Splendor) would have gotten chewed up and spit out.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Christopher Walken

“I'm going to give you an opportunity: Get out of this. Now. Before it gets so fucked up nobody could ever recover.” Charlie Barret Suicide Kings

Known for never turning down a movie role (this is not a joke he really doesn’t) the Bad Ass Mofo of the week Christopher Walken is one of the strangest, funniest, coolest, scariest, and talented actors to ever live. If you see him in True Romance he will scare the crap out of you. How about Pulp Fiction and that creepy ass monologue? And don’t get me started on his role as Gabriel in The Prophecy! He spends almost the entire film Suicide Kings tied to a chair but manages to be more deadly looking than the guys surrounding him holding weapons. He’s studied dancing and when he was younger was a lion tamer. Seriously, what can this guy not do? I saw him fly once.

Insert Coin: Galaga

“Galaga is a fixed shooter arcade game developed and published by Namco in Japan and published by Midway in North America in 1981. It is the sequel to Galaxian, released in 1979. The gameplay of Galaga puts the player in control of a space ship which is situated on the bottom of the screen. At the beginning of each stage, the area is empty, but over time, enemy aliens fly in formation, and once all of the enemies arrive on screen, they will come down at the player's ship in formations of one or more and may either shoot it or collide with it. During the entire stage, the player may fire upon the enemies, and once all enemies are vanquished, the player moves onto the next stage.”

You know what’s missing from kids these days? The arcade. There was nothing not the feeling you got when you would park your ass in front of a machine for hours and be surrounded by a bunch of strangers that cheered your every move on. I think they call them “Orgies” nowadays, but back when I was a kid arcades were where you went to play games like Galaga. You were a single ship that had to fight literally hundreds of alien ships.

FAP FILES: That "Chick"

In a lot of films there are “That Chick.” The ones whose name you cant remember most of the time but they pop up because, well, they serve a purpose of being looked at. They have the ability to go from sexy to cute just by letting their hair down or taking their glasses off. They are single handedly responsible for ugly chicks thinking that a quick makeover can transform them into the hotness. Let me know if I left some chicks off this list. I know there’s more but I seriously cant remember their names.

Amy Smart. She’s been in a ton of movies as the main love interest and it has to be just because she’s super cute. I’m shocked at the photos of her that I saw on Google. Including the one I used. It doesn’t hurt that she looks like a goddamn cat which after a few of these Fap Files we’ve all come to realize that I have some strange obsession with women that look like felines yet I hate most of the women who have played Catwoman. Go figure. Ooh! There’s this one scene in Crank 2 where she fucks Jason Statham on a horserace track! Serio! The only reason to watch those movies is to watch her get banged to keep her man alive. I know she was in Road Trip which was a cool movie and she started stripping while one of the dudes was talking to his girlfriend on the phone.

Ross Radio Show 95

If “don’t ask” I “wont tell” what the theme of this episode is. I play some Diana Ross I’m Coming Out, The Weather Girls Its Raining Men, Sylvester You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real), Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive, ABBA Dancing Queen, RuPaul Supermodel, George Michael Too Funky, Grace Jones Slave To The Rhythm, Village People Macho Man, Cher Believe, Sister Sledge We Are Family, and Donna Summers Love To Love You. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Ross Radio Show 94

Old school hip hop from the 80’s and 90’s are in order. I play some De La Soul Ego Trippin’ (Part Two), Kool Moe Dee I Go To Work, EPMD Strictly Business, X-Clan Xodus, Run DMC Beats To The Rhyme, LL Cool J Jack The Ripper, Big Daddy Kane Warm It Up Kane, 3rd Bass Steppin’ To The A.M, Public Enemy Shut Em Down, Chubb Rock Treat Em Right, D-Nice Call Me D-Nice, and Beastie Boys The New Style. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Vader Makes Everything Better

I previously mentioned how "Christian Bales Makes Everything Better." Now its time. Its time! Its...Vader Time! With a little help from the voice of Darth Vader James Earl Jones.

Theater Whore: Killer Elite & Midnight In Paris

Killer Elite is one of those types of films where you know its gonna be either bad or cheesy going in. We all know what types of films Jason Statham and Clive Owen do. Action. I mean Clive does has some very good films to his credit (Children Of Men, Sin City) as does Statham (Snatch, Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels) but this movie will not be added to that list. Even Robert Dinero couldn’t save this nonsense from being one of the most convoluted ass pieces of shit I’ve seen in a while. I don’t know how they managed to take what could’ve at the very least been a fun film and made it complete garbage. I checked the directors movie credits and he has done two films including this one in seven years and the other was a short.

Theater Whore: 50/50

I admittedly did not want to see this movie, 50/50. I like the actors involved and all that but the topic of cancer is something that seems rather hard to do without it being terribly depressing. This film not only managed to be both funny and compelling but also touching. The human interaction in this was just amazing to see and this movie should be watched by many people with no fear of leaving the theater depressed.

Gossip & Shit October 7th 2011

The voice actors from The Simpson's don’t want to take a 45% pay cut to keep the show on the air. I don’t want to waste half an hour to watch a show that hasn’t been funny since I was in my mid-20’s. I call evens.

There’s a porn tape from the early 90's featuring late rapper Tupac. His family will see if its released. “Uh, I’m not dead” Tupac probably said from home.

Megan Fox’s Marilyn Monroe tattoo is almost completely removed. Her career will fade long before those scars.

First Nancy Grace had her nipple fall out on Dancing With The Stars. Now she farted. And they were worried about how Steve-O would behave on that show.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Mickey Rourke

“I was bouncing at a transvestite nightclub and back then all the transvestites were on this shit called Angel Dust, so you'd hit them over the head with a baseball bat but they'd keep on coming.” Mickey Rourke

Boxer, bouncer, actor, dog lover, poet, sociopath. These aren’t a list of roles that the Bad Ass Mofo of the week Mickey Rourke has played. This is his real life, son! Rourke has been around for decades as an actor. He was a damned heartthrob back in the day. My first time seeing him really was in his later films and during a time when I wanted to see why certain actors were big in the first place I decided to rent some of his old films. I watched Diner, Barfly, Rumble Fish, and Pope Of Greenwich Village and had my damned mind blown. I wondered why he wasn’t an even bigger actor. He looked good and could act circles around anyone on screen. If you look at his older stuff even his voice was different. He spoke in almost a mumbling whisper compared to now where he sounds like he ate a plate of glass with a side of hot acid. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing since it works for him. I seriously cant think of any other actor that could get away from naturally progressing from one type to another the way he did. So what happened?

Insert Coin: Street Fighter 2

Street Fighter 2 is one of the top five games of all time to me. I first played it at a bowling alley. I had a bowling class (yeah, that happened) and didn’t give a damn about bowling. I just knew they had an arcade and Street Fighter 2 was there. When I first started playing my favorite character was E. Honda because of his Hundred Hand Slap. People liked to use Dhalsim, since he stretched but that shit didn’t work against Honda.

"Damned handicap parking!"

FAP FILES: Cosby Show Girls

Anyone say something bad about this weeks Fap File gets punted in the throat. Yes, I am writing about two chicks from The Cosby Show. I grew up watching this show and had a crush on Keisha Knight Pulliam aka Rudy Huxtable. She had kinda vanished for years and then one day I saw her in a magazine (some Black men’s magazine that may have actually been Black Men’s Magazine…) I was like “Fra…ga…ma…crunch!!!” Rudy grew up hot! I’m like 99% sure she is tired of being called Rudy, but whatever. She didn’t even look like she had the potential to grow up as hot as she did. Maybe kinda cute but not like this. Strange that she is the same height as she was when I was little though. I think since I discovered her hotness I’ve seen her in a bad Tyler Perry movie and a rap video. That’s about it. Which sucks. Because she is hot. She needs to be in my pocket. I'm gonna write a movie just so I can be on set and harass her. Maybe she will discover this blog and be all like "Oh, strange man. I totally understand why you think I'm hot but I only date giant ass ball players!" That could totally happen and you all know it. This is how reality works for me.