DVDiculous: Colombiana

I don’t know about you but I love seeing half naked chicks kicking ass! Usually. Colombiana starring Zoe Saldana starts off on the right foot but quickly becomes the tale of someone who deserves revenge but goes about getting it in the most ridiculous way ever. Everyone knows that I’m all about getting my revenge on. I’m a bloodthirsty monster…in my head. But the title character Cataleya is so misguided its not even funny.

This movie uses every single excuse for her to be wearing close to nothing. The most she wears is her school girl outfit when she’s younger. Her dad is a bad guy. He decides to get out the drug game and his boss is having none of it. He rushes home and tries to escape with his family but he and his wife are gunned down.

DVDiculous: Monster Brawl

Last year I discussed the movie Monster Brawl on Dantania.blogspot.com. It’s a film about a death match in a graveyard that is cursed. If you didn’t know by all the smoke and creepy factor that its cursed then you are a fool. Eight monsters have to battle it out in a tournament style wrestling match to see who will win!

What kind of soulless person has never wanted to see monsters fight to the death? If the idea of seeing a goddamn zombie and a motherfucking Frankenstein fighting each other has never crossed your mind then I question your dedication to Sparkle Motion!

The Rant Zone Show 14

In this episode I cover the weekends Top 10 Movies, the series Luther and Being Human, 21 Jump Street, John Carter, and a good chunk of time explaining why The Hunger Games sucked so damned much. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rant Zone Shows!

Gossip & Shit March 27th 2012

Octomom has posed topless for some magazine to help pay with her bills. So soon? You know, Hustler and other porn rags here in the states were offering her millions to shoot a porno or just take pictures but back then she was all like “Never!” Now she is getting less than half. Dumbass. The pictures are fine…if you cover her face with your hands.

Bobby Brown was arrested for drunk driving…because he is bored.

Lauren Scruggs, the model who got her hand chopped off and lost an eye after getting off a plane, is suing. She is being offered $200,000 but wants more. Listen, honey. I’m gonna just come out and say you were probably texting when this happened. No one paying attention is hurt by propellers unless they fall from the sky and land in one.

DVDiculous: Super

Every few years a superhero movie will come out that features a normal ass human that decides to fight crime. I don’t mean characters like The Punisher or Batman. They have lots of money and have lives that are far more complex than movie characters like Kickass had. Ordinary people who believe that to fight crime you need to put on a costume and kick some ass.

Super is that movie.

Theater Whore: The Hunger Games

Wow. So disappointed. So very…ugh. A few weeks ago I gave the book The Hunger Games a review (which you can read here). I liked the book fine though it jumped off the rails towards the end. This movie did it from the very beginning in ways that are totally unacceptable. I wont give a detailed description of what the story is about but I will mention it a bit to point out why things made no sense.

Spoilers o’plenty!

Gossip & Shit March 24th 2012

Cops have checked out Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche to see if there was any damage from her accident last week. Like, “Holy shit I just hit a human being and drove off!” damage. They found none but she isn’t out of the woods just yet. Her parole hearing is next week and the guy she allegedly hit and his lawyer says they have video of the whole thing and want her to pony up some cash, $100,000, to keep it from going public. Good luck with that, dude.

MTV isn’t pleased that Snooki is pregnant and The Situation is trying to get sober. Apparently The Jersey Shore isn’t interesting when the people are, you know, healthy! Cant we just stop pretending and fucking have a Running Man show where people kill for freedom already?!

Christopher Chaney, the man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis’ cell phones and posted their nude photos, may get 60 years in prison and 3 years probation. For hacking phones you get more time than murderers!

Theater Whore: 21 Jump Street

I so didn’t want to see 21 Jumpstreet. I’d seen the trailer and all the billboards posted all over the damned city and it just didn’t look good. But then I remembered how trailers have really fucked me over in the past few years and decided to give this a try. I’m glad I did because this turned out to be a very funny film. Why? Because they point out the obvious just when you’re thinking the same damned thing.

Gossip & Shit March 20th 2012

The Situation is in rehab! Why? No one is talking but if you’ve ever seen a small clip of The Jersey Shore then you can guess it its either from alcohol, mental issues, or both. Between Snooki getting pregnant and this I figure that show is gonna look like something Dr. Drew hosts.

There’s a new thing where you can talk to H-List celebrities for dollars a minute. Would you pay $12 to talk to Octomom? You would? Wow. Just when you think you know somebody.

Halle Berry and her fiancé Olivier Martinez are searching for a school for her daughter Nahla. Which is weird since no judge has said she can do such. This should be interesting because if there’s one thing this woman can do its make bad situations worse!

Gossip & Shit March 14th 2012

Russell Brand is in trouble for grabbing someone’s camera phone and tossing it through a window. I blame Katy Perry. I don’t know why but I do. Dude is gonna fuck around and get his visa revoked. Its happened. I don’t think the band T-Rex is allowed in America still.

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble again! After pretending she was on the straight and narrow a couple of weeks ago she allegedly hit a store owner while leaving a bar where a friend was having a birthday celebration. If she ends up in court because of this her ass is so doing hard time. Doesn’t help she fled the scene. Serves her right for that terrible Saturday Night Live performance.

Courtney Love aka What Cthulhu Fears says that The Muppets “raped” Nirvana by using a parody of one of their songs…meaning the only song you know by them. The fact that she signed over rights means nothing in her reality.

Babbling Old Man: Weird Science

Back when I was little and saw Weird Science it gave me so much hope. I figured that all I needed to do was get my hands on a computer, a Barbie doll, and some chords to create a hot ass woman. Years later it turns out I was right! I mean, they call them Real Dolls and you can update them through your computer but still. I was right and that’s all that matters.

Nothing creepy about this. 

This movie is about two nerds named Gary Wallace (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt Donnelly (Ilan Mitchel-Smith) who are picked on by everyone in their school. This includes recent Bad Ass Mofo Robert Downey Jr. I don’t know why people got off on pantsing others. It always seemed weird to want to see the draws of people you didn’t like.

Ross Radio Show 113

Felt like listening to some good disco music. I play some La Flavour Mandolay, T Connection Do What You Wanna Do, Loleatta Holloway Love Sensation, Donna Summer I Feel Love, Chic Dance Dance Dance Yowsah Yowsah Yowsah, Saturday Night Band Come On And Dance Dance, Michael Jackson Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough, The Trammps That’s Where The Happy People Go, Bee Gees Stayin’ Alive, and Sylvester Dance Disco Heat. Click here to download this episode and here for past Ross Radio Shows.

Ross Radio Show 112

New wave and such on that ass! Sorry. I play some Culture Club Miss Me Blind, Depeche Mode Strangelove, M Pop Musik, The Buggles Video Killed The Radio Star, R.E.M Imitation Of Life, Psychedelic Furs Heartbreak Beat, Simply Red Holding Back The Years, Crowded House Don’t Dream Its Over, Simple Minds Alive And Kicking, The Fixx Red Skies, Talking Heads Burning Down The House, New Order Bizarre Love Triangle, A Flock Of Seagulls Space Age Love Thing, The Cult She Sells Sanctuary, and Information Society What’s On Your Mind. Click here for this episode and here for previous Ross Radio Shows!

"Bad Ass Mofo": Robert Downey Jr.

“I've noticed that worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen. I don't worry, but I observe where my mind tends to go.” Robert Downey Jr.

I know its been a while since I posted one of these. What with my work situation, trying not to kill myself, and just plain old not knowing who the hell was bad enough to be a Bad Ass Mofo, I didn’t know what to do. But then I was watching Tropic Thunder and laughing so hard at Lincoln Osiris during commentary and then flipping through my channels and found a special about this weeks BAM that hit me like a bolt of lightning. I present to you…Robert Downey Jr.!

DVDiculous: Superman: Doomsday

After watching Superman: Doomsday I have come to realize that the people who live in Metropolis are dumbasses. Whenever there is trouble they all rush outside and stare at what’s happening. If I live there I have a bunker far underground. But even that’s not safe because battles go every damned where. I decided to watch this after my constant Superman bashing that goes on during my blogs on this site. So let’s see how that little experiment went.

"Let me holla at'cha, bitch! Holla holla holla!"

The movie starts with Lois Lane nagging Superman about the fact that she doesn’t know his secret identity. That don’t stop her from banging him for half a year though! Could you imagine what your friends would say about you?! “Hey, Vicky Vale? I hear you and Batman are together…” “Yeah. But he gives me his Batwang with the cape on.” he tells her that she will get hurt if she knew but she’s a woman so she’s just like “You have commitment issues!” So he hurls her into space and gives her the Degeneration X crotch chop!

Theater Whore: John Carter

My name is Dante and I wasn’t expecting much when I decided to see John Carter. My reaction when I first saw the trailer was “What’s this broke ass Lord of The Rings?” This should teach me (for the hundredth time) to not decide to see something based on the trailer because I have missed out on some cool shit doing that nonsense.

If Martian women look like this I can declare all women of Earth safe from me.

I have not read a single one of the books this film was based off of. I don’t say that would pride, I’m just letting you all know that so when things aren’t like they are in the book I don’t know nor do I care. It’s a movie for nerds and if there’s one thing nerds are known for its being insatiable. Especially in bed. Gods, it’s a curse! One that I am doomed to live with for the rest of my short life.

Gossip & Shit March 9th 2012

There’s a porn tape being shopped around featuring Hulk Hogan. Now we’ll really get to see if he has a 24 inch python or not. Oh, I had to make that joke! Come on! He doesn’t even remember who the chick he is banging in the video is. That always makes girls feel better by the way. “When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside…”

Actor Dennis Quaid is getting a divorce. This is the good Quaid. His brother Randy is fucking bizarre.

Former actress (?) Amanda Bynes got pulled over by cops and left while they were writing the ticket. She turned herself in later and will likely get a slap on the wrist. Really?

Ross Radio Show 111

I felt like playing some old school dance and party music. Vanilla Ice Play That Funky Music, Kid N’ Play 2 Hype, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince Brand New Funk, MC Hammer Here Comes The Hammer, Gucci Crew 2 The Cabbage Patch, Sir Mix A Lot Beepers, Breeze LA Posse, and The Uptown Crew Uptown Is Kickin’ It. Click here to download this episode and here for past Ross Radio Shows.

Ross Radio Show 110

This is probably one of the most random episodes. I play some Hall & Oates Out Of Touch, ELO It’s A Living Thing, Steve Winwood Higher Love, Joe Esposito You’re The Best Around, Toto Africa, Glen Frey You Belong To The City, Bill Conti Gonna Fly Now, Boston Don’t Look Back, Dwight David The Last Dragon, Jigsaw Sky High. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscast Radio Shows.

Gossip & Shit March 3rd 2012

Snooki from The Jersey Shore is pregnant. Or not. It depends on how much you’re offering for the story about her being pregnant which she likely is. Doesn’t seem like the contraceptive looking type. Know what I’m sayin’? If that kid is born this year, which it will be, its going down. This is what brings upon The Rapture.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, has been charged with beating his girlfriend. I bet he listens to Chris Brown music.

Davy Jones from The Monkees died this week. Which sucks because unlike The Beatles, I actually liked their music.

TV Slut: Luther

There’s a show that comes on BBC that is great. No, not Being Human, because that show wrecked itself in season four. This show is now in its second season and its called Luther. It stars Idris Elba as Detective Chief Inspector John Luther. Luther has what some would call “anger management issues.” I call it “What everyone wants to do at least five times a day but cant because jail sucks!”

How everyone feels about IKEA furniture.

The show starts off with Luther getting a confession from a guy that is dangling. Luther lets him drop to his apparent death. The guy ends up in a coma that Luther hopes he never wakes from since he knows that Luther pretty much left him to die. Mix in some crazy broad that killed her parents and the dog and gets away with it and you have yourself a recipe for disaster!