Best Picture Academy Awards 2013 Reviews By Dante

Today is the day! After months of watching movies and dedicating hours of time, money, and conversation to this the Academy Awards come on and I haven’t been this excited about them since 2011. There were a lot of good films last year which surprised me since when the year had started I was looking forward to just two of them. This is just a summary of the films nominated for Best Picture. Click on the link in the title of each film to read my original reviews of each.

Hot Hillbilly Arrested

Let me start off by saying that I have never seen the show Buckwild on MTV. For starters I haven’t had cable in years. There’s also the fact that when I did have it that channel was near the bottom of must see TV. I’ve heard clips and reviews for it and its not something I’d ever actively watch. But I do have to say that there’s this Bengali chick named Salwa Amin on the show that is stupid hot. Why am I even writing about her? Because she got arrested.

The show is taped in West Virginia which is like Florida-Lite and she got popped for possession of oxycodone and heroin possession with the intent to deliver. That last part will make any sentence she gets even harsher…if she wasn’t known. We know famous people don’t do real jail time. Looking at you, Lindsay Lohan. I already know that some of you are saying “I’ve never heard of her. She’s not famous?”

FAP FILES: Olympic Athletes

I don’t know much about sports. I know about as much about athletics as I do about having a healthy relationship which is to say not all that much. But what I do know is hot chicks. There are a lot of women in sports tat are way attractive, totally blowing the myths of manly women out of the water. Some guys look at a muscular woman and call her a lesbian. That’s insecurity and you should work on that. Me, I know to stay away because I like having my penis in one piece.

The sports that I have loved watching women do ever since I was little have been wrestling, running, roller derby, and gymnastics. God, I don’t know how many hours were wasted watching big legged women bouncing around the place. I love stocky women but there is also a place in my pants--oops--heart for some tall and/or lean women. Here are some that would kick my ass for just looking at them.

Theater Whore: Life Of Pi

Me and East went and saw the movie Life Of Pi tonight in 3D over at The Arclight. Now out of the friggin’ nine films up for best picture I have seen eight of them. This is a record for me since there is always something that I just don’t wanna see or will see after the awards. This is my attempt to be more open minded. This is one of those movies that has been described as beautiful and/or life changing. Mostly beautiful. People have talked about the special effects a lot which made me ask “Uh, what about the story?” All’s I knew was that a dude was stuck in a boat with a damned tiger and fuck that.

This movie is about a guy telling his amazing life story. It starts with him talking about his childhood living in a French section of India where he was made fun of because of his name, Piscine “Pissing” Molitor. He was named after a hotel. He knew the formula for Pi and ended up going by that name instead. His father opens a zoo and later they are losing money and decide to move to Canada. Along the way the ship wrecks and he escapes in a lifeboat. Along with a zebra. And a hyena. And orangutan. And a tiger!

When Is It Okay To?: Dakota Fanning

In the latest issue of Glamour magazine Dakota Fanning is on the cover showing how sexy she now is. Now, as a man…legally…I’ve been known to have strange taste in women. There is no consistency to it. But I absolutely can not  look at Fanning as a sexual creature. I’ve watched her grow up on television since she had those bonkers teeth and had to wear false ones in films. Watching her turn 18 and suddenly start doing sexy photo shoots does nothing for my penis and for that I am happy. This is what I see when I look at Fanning.

Yeah. That’s not sexy. Now, I know that there have been plenty of other actresses that have grown up during my lifetime. Lindsay Lohan for example. The thing with Lohan is that I didn’t watch her grow up. To me she did Freaky Friday and then suddenly had tits. I think the only movie I’ve watched starring her was Mean Girls. Another is Tatyana Ali from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air but she is around my age and we grew up together. Not, like, physically. Just in my mind.

Ross Radio Show 143

Some old stuff from the 90’s that makes me dance like something is wrong with me. Jermaine Stewart We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, Today Him Or Me, Hi-Five She's Playing Hard to Get, Guy Piece of My Love, Blackstreet Before I Let You Go, D'Angelo Devil's Pie, Luther Vandross Stop To Love, Zhané Hey Mr. D.J, Soul For Real Candy Rain, and Michael Jackson Remember The Time. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Theater Whore: Warm Bodies

This movie was the first time in a while where something happened in a movie that made me go “Aww…” Warm Bodies is the story of a zombie that begins to want something more out of his life. His not life. It stars Nicholas Hoult as R. He doesn’t remember anything about his life before becoming a zombie let alone his name. He just ambles around the city moaning and occasionally eating brains. He has a friend played by Rob Corddry who is also unnamed but called M that he attempts to have conversations with. They get out parts of words every once in a while.

In a walled off city being run and patrolled by John Malkovich they try to stay safe. His daughter Julie played by a hot version of Kristen Stewart named Teresa Palmer and her boyfriend Perry played by Dave Franco, yes, that other Franco’s brother, and a team head into the city to gather supplies since they are running low. They are attacked and surrounded by zombies with R killing her boyfriend. She doesn’t see this but during the gun battle R spots Julie and feelings start stirring up in his chest.

Theater Whore: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

I wish I could buy this movie in script form just so I could wipe my ass with it. Jeremy Renner, you were doing so well for a minute there. You were Hawkeye in The Avengers, you were tolerable in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, and just okay in Bourne Legacy. But now? You had to go and do this shit to me? To me?! Ugh! Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was a steaming pile of ass. Just a robust mess of a movie that didn’t need to be made by anyone.

Renner play Hansel while Gemma Arterton plays Gretel. They were left by their father and wander into a witches house that forces them to eat a lot of candy. They end up shoving her ashy ass into an oven and then spend their lives witch hunting. They end up in a town and save a woman from being drowned for being a witch by the always crazy Peter Stormare who is in some sort of competition with Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making the most films (and he is winning with a score of 14 to 6). Turns out the town has been attacked by witches and kids are being snatched up.

Insert Coin: Sunset Riders

The game, which is set in a fanciful version of the American Old West, revolves around four bounty hunters who are out to claim rewards given for eliminating the most wanted outlaws in the West. At the beginning of each stage the player is shown a wanted poster, showing the criminal, the reward for stopping them, and the line “Wanted dead or alive.”

One of the best arcade games when I was younger was Sunset Riders. There was the cool ass arcade version and the one for Super Nintendo. Its about four cowboys trying to clean up the Old West by shooting anything that doesn’t wear the vibrant colors that they do. Though there are four guys with such badass names like Steve, Billy, and Bob, there’s….wait. Bob? Really? Bob? “Oh, shit! Everybody run! Bob’s here! You know Bob don‘t play that shit! Steve‘s here, too?! Start prayin‘!” Anyhoot, the coolest one by far was the world’s most dangerous Mexican, Cormano. This mofo had two shotguns!

And wore pink because fuck hiding.

Though you could use two or four players I had more fun when I played along. Its like masturbating. More than one person and things get weird and complicated. The reason its harder with more people, the game not my penis, is that the bullets are the size of baseballs. When Cormano fires his double barrels the screen looks like a damned rave.

Ross Radio Show 142

In this Dr. Dre themed episode I play Dr. Dre Let Me Ride, Snoop Dogg Tha Shiznit, Warren G This DJ, Snoop Dogg ft. Nate Dogg & Warren G I’m Fly, Xzibit X, Dr. Dre Explosive, Busta Rhymes ft. Eminem I’ll Hurt You, 50 Cent I Get Money, Eminem ft. Lil Wayne No Love, and Dr. Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey I Need A Doctor. Click here to download this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

Stop It Lil Kim

I was watching a show the other day and they popped up and image of Miley Cyrus and Lil Kim at a club looking eleven kinds of strange. Besides the way they both look, what puzzled me was my junk. It said to me “Dante, at some point you were physically attracted to this woman. How come not now why?” Yes, my penis talks like a two year old that was drop on its head during birth. At one time Lil Kim was cute. Not a bombshell or anything but she was a cute chick. I present to you exhibit A!

Look at her. Normal. Her breasts weren’t the size of melons. Her eyes were fine. Her lips didn’t make her look like a meth’d out duck. It all started when Puff Daddy Diddy Sean Combs gave her some exercise equipment for a gift. She thought she was overweight and decided to work out. Which was fine. You feel doughy, do something about that. I get it. But then she went and got some cheek and jaw work. Which is also what I call oral sex. Thank you! I’ll be here all week!

Gossip & Shit: February 5th 2013

Octomom called cops when she said her kid (one of 32) was missing. The bus driver says he saw her greet the kid and didn’t know what she was talking about. Turns out the kid was asleep trying to escape the reality that is his terrible life.

Amanda Bynes has been booted from her place in New York. How you gonna smoke weed in the hallways of a non-smoking building? What are you, an ass?

Former (I think) NBA player Allen Iverson got his divorce papers and a message from a judge. “…does not know how to manage the children; has little interest in learning to manage the children and has actually, at times, been a hindrance to their spiritual and emotional growth and development…has refused to attend to an obvious and serious alcohol problem, which has caused him to do inappropriate things in the presence of the children while impaired…has left the children alone without supervision. He has left his young daughters in a hotel room with men who are unknown to the mother.”

Theater Whore: A Haunted House

“Hey, is that a mandingo party?!” That is one of a dozen or so times I busted up laughing watching A Haunted House starring Marlon Wayans and Essence Atkins. Now going in I knew this movie was gonna be silly as hell. This is not a part of the Scary Movie franchise since the Wayans’ haven’t been associated with those in years. I was just hoping to see something that made me laugh a few times and this did it. My sense of humor is inconsistent at best but a good fart joke will make me laugh like an idiot. And I never thought I’d laugh as hard as I did with seeing a grown man getting it doggy style from a ghost. By the way, lots of man ass in this movie. Too much man ass.

Malcolm has his girlfriend Keisha move in with him and before she even gets out of her car with her stuff she runs his dog over. She hates all his furniture, and the maid that doesn’t speak English keeps popping up out of nowhere scaring the shit out of people. Malcolm films everything and after doors start slamming and they hear moans and screams they hire a security team to put cameras all over the house that can be accessed online.

They bring a priest, psychic, ghost busters, and gang members to stop the ghost but nothing works until they end up jumping it as it possesses his girlfriend. They for real jump it/her. Elbow drops and chair shots. It turns out that Keisha has been friends with a ghost since she was little and sold her soul to the devil for some shoes years ago.

Theater Whore: Zero Dark Thirty

Out of the nine pictures up for best picture at the Academy Awards I have seen seven of them. Why in the hell are there nine movies being nominated?! That’s too much. Tonight I watched Zero Dark Thirty against everything I told myself about the director, Kathryn Bigelow. Not a huge fan of hers and, well, I already know how this movie ends. Yes, I saw Titanic knowing how it ended as well. Shut up. This movie is about the team sent to kill Bin Laden and one woman’s mission to get people to pay attention to her.

There are a lot of actors in this movie but the main one is Jessica Chastain who no matter what anyone says assures everyone that she knows what she is doing and refuses to give up on her searches. The film is almost three hours long and it feels it. Most of the movies up for nomination are at least two hours long but all of them didn’t feel that way. The problem I have with this movie isn’t the length, its that like Amour and Silver Linings Playbook, its not a bad film nor is it good. That’s not to say the acting, cinematography, or story were bad. I just judge movies on whether or not I would see it again or recommend it to someone. I wouldn’t recommend this unless I knew you were a fan of this genre or the people involved in making it.