Remember When: Lindsay Lohan Was Hot?

Fap Of The Year 2012: Sofia Vergara

2012 will go down as the year that the Fap Files took a dramatic hit. Hell, the Spank Bank was damn near depleted this year. So many women either messed with their faces, got pregnant, and forcibly removed themselves from the list by getting married. But one woman stayed fapable despite having a 20 year old son, being 40, being engaged, and hard to understand unless I pay attention. Sofia Vergara is the Fap Of The Year!

Last years winner Rosario Dawson disappeared from the public after winning the award and I searched high and low for this one. Looking at the files I compiled this year, only four, makes me and my junk sad. Vergara’s been busy with a hit series, being on her son’s reality show, being the face of Covergirl, starring in Pepsi commercials, and starting a clothing line for soccer mom’s for K-Mart that makes soccer mom’s wish they looked like her.

Worst Movies Of 2012 According To Dante

Every year it happens. You go to see a movie and all you want to do is shove popcorn in your ears and throw salt in your eyes so that you no longer have to endure such pain as seeing a terrible ass film. If there’s one thing I cant stand its hot chicks that hate my face. And bad movies. Man, do I hate a bad movie.

This year there seemed to be more “Meh…” films than bad ones but when they were bad, by god, they made sure that they were bad on multiple levels. Funny enough, the worst films were the ones with the biggest budgets. If you wanna see my list of Best Movies Of 2012 click all up in this sentence.

Theater Whore: Jack Reacher

Last night East and I went to check out Jack Reacher. East wasn’t all that excited after seeing the trailer and I wanted to see it but wasn’t dying to until I heard a review saying how there’s more to it than the trailer showed. I had fallen into the trailer trap plenty of times and ended up missing out on really good films because of the bad trailer. So after some convincing we headed to The Cineramadome which is connected to The Arclight and checked it out.

I hadn’t been in this portion of the theater I think since Spiderman 2. It had been years. I miss this theater. We sat up high in row Q and started the movie. It begins with a guy getting ready to shoot folks in Pittsburgh  People in the theater were feeling way uncomfortable but not me because I know the difference between a trained sniper and some asshole that likes to shoot schools. So this guy picks off five people and drives off. A guy is caught and arrested and as he is being interviewed writes down “Get Jack Reacher.”

Best Movies Of 2012 According To Dante

I have watched 46 films this year not including things I watched on DVD that I missed in theaters which is by far the most I’ve ever seen especially when I remember that at the end of 2011 I was looking forward to only three movies coming out (click here to see what I loved last year). This was a year of really surprisingly good films across the board ranging from really big budget films to very small ones to films with massive budgets that were just terrible nonsense.

This list isn’t going to be in any particular order. Just the ones I felt were the best and the worst to me. I know that my taste in films is…different. Some of you have seen some of these and will disagree with me in which case you can write your list on your blog or write to me and I will raise my left eyebrow and take a deep breath as I figure out a polite way to let you know that your opinion doesn’t count. I’m kidding. But totally not.

Gossip & Shit: December 22nd 2012

Ashton Kutcher has finally filed for divorce from Demi Moore. So soon? I think people forget that the reason they’re divorcing is because he banged some chicks in a Vegas hotel. He is currently dating Mila Kunis and Demi was last seen dancing badly with Lenny Kravitz.

Its being reported that Lindsay Lohan refused to kiss Charlie Sheen for a scene in the Scary Movie 5 series. Ew. If I were him I would’ve been like “Ditto!” Who knows where her mouth has been? The answer: Everyone.

Drew Barrymore had a kid?! When did that happen?! And she’s married?! I swear I almost dropped my monocle.

Madonna threatened to stop performing for fans at a sound check stating “You don't care about me? I don’t care about you. All right? Are we going to play that game? I'm not kidding. I can't sing if you smoke. Entiendes? You're looking right at me and smoking cigarettes, like I'm a stupid fucking idiot.” Moments later everyone including young children started lighting up anything that produced smoke. Remember when Madonna was hot? And interesting? And not creepy looking?

Gossip & Shit: December 20th 2012

Rapper Fat Joe was arrested for owing $700 grand to the IRS. A rapper not paying his taxes?! That’s impossible!

Charlie Sheen’s second ex-wife Brooke Mueller is out of rehab…for the 19th time.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again! She just had a baby, like, a month ago right? And what becomes of her deal with Weight Watchers?! These are the types of questions that keep me awake at night.

Zooey Deschanel is officially divorced. So those of you that like fake nerdy chicks with creepy blue eyes can set your boners on the starting line.

Conrad Murray who helped kill Michael Jackson still wants out of jail. He’s been locked up for about 13 months and says that since he has a kid here in LA he isn’t a flight risk because we all know parents never abandon their children. That kinda thing hasn’t happened in hundreds of years!

Ross Radio Show 135

I’m feeling like a thug today…homie. I play some Dr. Dre Nuthin' But A G Thang, Warren G Regulate, Tupac Holler If Ya Hear Me, Snoop Dogg & Dr. Dre The Next Episode, WC And The Maad Circle ft. J Dee & MC Eiht You Don't Work U Don’t Eat, Mack 10 Foe Life, Volume 10 Pistol Grip Pump, and Ice Cube My Summer Vacation. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Brigitte Nielsen

If you were a little girl and someone showed you pictures and said “When you grow up you will date or marry Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Flava Flav!” you would have run to the hills screaming. But not this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma Brigitte Nielsen. Even when I was a little kid I recognized this woman's hotness from Red Sonja. Hell, in the video game Golden Axe I used to call the female character by her name. Yes, I was pervin' even at that young an age. Don't judge me.

I've got something long and hard for her. My sword. I own one as well. Pervs. 

Brigitte was born Gitte Nielsen in Rødovre, Denmark. Where is that? I don't know. I'm not a gynecologist. But it sounds fancy. Like something you'd eat at a place that you know you cant afford and end up having to wash the dishes when you try to skip out on the bill. At 6 foot 1...dear lord. She's my height. Anyhoot, at her height she began modeling before starring in Cobra and Rocky 4 which was the best Rocky I don't care what anyone says. She then starred in Beverly Hills Cop 2 and posed for Playboy.

Theater Whore: Flight

Denzel Washington is a national treasure. Seriously, this guy is just a ridiculously amazing actor. In his latest movie Flight the trailer made it look like this crazy action flick about a plane that is gonna crash and has to flip upside down to survive. That was pretty much all I knew about it and it wasn't enough to seriously make me wanna see it. I did want to but I wasn't dying to. Then Cam called and said “Is it too early to see a movie?” and I said it was not. So we headed to The Grove for a 10:30am showing.

Denzel stars as William “Whip” Whitaker who is a pilot. But before all that the movie starts off with a shot of a nipple. Not his thankfully. He wakes up and starts fighting with his ex wife over paying for their son's private school. He then finishes off his beer and does a line of coke. Next shot is this son of a bitch walking to the plane to pilot it. Oh, and the chick he was banging is a stewardess named Katerina. She is hot.

The Rant Zone Show 18

In this episode I talk about Rise Of The Guardians, cover the Top 12 movies of the weekend, perv on Nadine Velazquez, talk about Get The Gringo, Flight, and threatened by Bane. Click here to download this and previous Rant Zone Shows!

"Bad Ass Mofo": Clifton Collins Jr.

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is one of those actors that you’ve seen dozens of times and probably didn’t know it was the same guy. He can go from doing the most dramatic movie to popping up and making you go “Wait, what the hell?” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Clifton Collins Jr.!

Born in Los Angeles, CA (whoop whoop!) he is the descendant of actor Pedro Gonzalez-Gonzalez. Like his grandson even if you don’t know his name you know his face. Clifton has appeared in films that I saw years ago and didn’t even realize it was him like Stoned Age, Menace II Society, Poetic Justice, Dead Presidents, The Replacement Killers, Tigerland, Traffic, Rules Of Attraction…want me to keep going? The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit, Crank: High Voltage, and Star Trek a few years ago. This guy keeps busy!

Ross Radio Show 134

I think people forget just how good a group New Edition was so I felt the need to remind them. I play Candy Girl, Mr. Telephone Man, If It Isn’t Love, Can You Stand The Rain, NE Heartbreak, Ralph Tresvant Money Cant Buy You Love, Bobby Brown Rock Wit’cha, Johnny Gill Fairweather Friend, Bell Biv Devoe Do Me, New Edition Hit Me Off, and Cool It Now. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

DVDiculous: Get The Gringo

I know how we all…well, most of us, feel about Mel Gibson. If he met me he’d probably smile but on the inside hope that me and a bunch of guys that looked like me would rape his baby mama to teach her a lesson for wearing tight pants. Or he would call me sugar tits. Either way his reputation has been rather fucked for quite some time. There are certain actors where their outside life will effect the way I enjoy a film with them. Like from now on if I see Michael Fassbender in a movie all I’m thinking is “Magneto has a giant penis. And that’s not fair.”  

Get The Gringo also known as How I Spent My Summer Vacation starts off with a crazy ass car chase with two guys running from cops and border patrol. They are dressed as clowns and one of them has been shot. Gibson known throughout the film as Driver is pissed that the guy in back is bleeding all over the money. He ends up crashing through the Mexican border.

Theater Whore: Rise Of The Guardians

Let me start off by saying that I loved this movie. I really did. There have been few things that had such an emotional impact on me. To name a few there was An American Tail, Antwone Fisher, John Q., and watching Eddie Guerrero tributes on Youtube. I didn’t expect this movie to be as good as it was and it was a super surprise to me. Okay. Now that that’s out of the way lets begin.

This is about Jack Frost who is pretty much the ignored spirit of the holidays. He’s hanging out in a small town helping some kids have fun by creating a snow day for them. He feels unappreciated by everyone and asks The Man In The Moon aka Sky Jesus to help him out and gets no answer. At the North Pole Santa Claus senses that something is wrong and calls all the guardians together including Frost who is confused since he doesn’t consider himself one of them.

The Rant Zone Show 17

In this episode of The Rant Zone I debut a new intro, cover the Top 12 of the box office, review Twilight, geek out over Game Of Thrones, and am harassed by Bane about my genitalia. Click here for this and previous Rant Zone Shows.