"Bad Ass Mofo": Idris Elba

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is one of those actors that come along once in a while that every man wants to be. He may be the nicest man alive in reality but in movies and TV shows he is a damned beast! I was watching the second season of Luther and I forgot what it was like to wait for him to lose his shit. He was born Idrissa Akuna Elba and an only child but still managed to turn out awesome. He’s did everything from tire fitting to working as a DJ, which he still does. Born in Hackney, London, England, you wouldn’t know it from some of his roles like that of Stringer Bell on The Wire.

Someone's about to get extra body holes.

It would be really easy to hate a guy that is talented, handsome, and funny. Yeah, we all want it and hate when others have it. But he seems like such a cool guy you cant hate him. I had no idea but he was this one dude I remember from an episode of Ab-Fab where during an orgy he sprayed his tongue with stiffening spray and it wouldn’t go back in his mouth. Other shows included like I mentioned The Wire, The Big C, The Office, and Luther which he won a Golden Globe for.

Stop It Kristen Stewart

I don't like Kristen Stewart. No, its not just because she ruined the Twilight films every time she zombied her ass onto a scene or because she always has a look on her face like she just smelled a mouse fart. Its because she is making everyone's life difficult because she had an affair with the director of that terrible ass Snow White & The Huntsman film, Rupert Sanders. Now its time for the promotion of the next Twilight film and she and her former boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, cant be in the same place at the same time. Also known as “Pulling a Clark Kent.”

Ooh, I'm tellin'!

Now, I don't have an issue with affairs. I encourage them if you're unhappy. Affairs have kept more marriages together than apart if you ask me. Also, if you have never cheated you've never dated anyone more than three years. I'm just saying. Anyhoot, Kristen got busted by the photos up there and issued an apology to Pattinson.

Theater Whore: The Watch

“You can not kill someone and take their skin! That is not cool!”

Has anyone else even seen this movie? I mention it too folks and they’re like “The what…?” I decided to see it because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there is fuck all playing in theaters right now. Pickins is slim! Out of the cast of Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hill each has made me laugh my ass off at some point. Then there’s this new guy Richard Ayoade joining. Now what is this film about? A murder that inspires someone to start a neighborhood watch to find the killer and protect their friends and neighbors.

Yep. Neighborhood watching. 

Stiller as Evan Trautwig has been working at Costco for over a decade and loves his plain and simple life and his wife who thinks their small town in Ohio is dull. She leaves for vacation and during the night the security guard gets his skin ripped off. Evan has a speech at the high school football game and is joined by Vaughn as Bob, a married guy who acts like a frat boy who has a daughter. Look. Its Vince Vaughn playing every role you’ve seen him in and its amazing. Jonah Hill is Franklin, a guy who failed the mental and physical exams to be a cop. And finally Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus. When Jamarcus arrives Evan is happy because he tries to have friends of every race as evidenced when he joins a cleaning crew and happily meets a Black person.

Thirty Thirty Rules

A few nights ago I was watching this channel called ION. Late at night during their cartoon segment, Qubo, they play cartoons that were out when I was little. He-Man, She-Ra (who I'll talk about soon), Ghostbuster's, and Bravestarr. Now, I have always loved the Bravestarr cartoon but not because of the main character. Sure, he had the ability to have the eyes of a hawk, ears of a wolf, strength of a bear, and speed of a puma. That's groovy and all. But his fucking horse/partner, Thirty Thirty, was the main reason anyone had to have been been watching this show! That dude ruled!

Boo-yah-kah!!!

He has a giant gun named Sara Jane. I prefer to call it the Funeral Starter. That thing was massive. Look at it! No! Don't you dare turn away. You look at that gun and acknowledge how awesome it would be to own it. Nevermind how cool it would be to have a friend like Thirty Thirty. Even his name is tremendous. Just knowing that at any moment if I need him to he'll bust out this fucking room clearer and laser shotgun cannon blast anything that's in our way makes me happy. I want to be friends with this beast. There was one episode where some stupid goat kid found his gun and the damned thing was set to go full blown megaton.

DVDiculous: Dylan Dog Dead Of Night

While looking up this weeks Bad Ass Mofo I saw an image of a movie I had forgotten existed that came out last year called Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night. Now, within moments of this movie starting you get the same feel and tone of Constantine which I enjoyed. That was a decent enough film but was almost nothing like the comic book. Apparently just like this film. There are certain comic books that are from other countries that are translated to film like Scott Pilgrim, Judge Dredd, or this. People who love the comic hate this movie.

Damn you, Stormare.

Superman & Jimmy Olsen Vs. The Monsters starts off with this chick that I know is gonna annoy the crap out of me making a sammich and blood starts dripping on her plate. She rushes upstairs into her father’s creepy ass room and he is dead on the floor and some Muppet from hell dives out the window. Meanwhile Superman is sleeping and some guy threatens to kill him for taking incriminating photos. Superman talks the guy out of it, not worried at all about being shot because he’s too cool for that bullshit.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Peter Stormare

I have to apologize for not doing one of these for a really long time. Actually, no. I don’t. Hollywood needs to apologize for not having Bad Ass Mofos! You have no idea how far I need to dig just to find a tough guy in films or one that is just super compelling. While trolling the internets as I do I stumbled upon someone who manages to stand out and be memorable in any film he’s in no matter how small the part…Peter Stormare!

"Is she really trying to...? Yeah. Just shoot her."

Dude was born in Kumla, Närke, Sweden and I can only pronounce two of those three words. He started off doing dramatic theater doing Shakespeare and shit. People started to know who he was from movies like Fargo as the sleaze ball blonde and the nasty ass eye doctor in Minority Report. Apparently he was in The Lost World: Jurassic Park but I’ll be damned if I can recall that. I was too busy shitting myself thinking of scientist creating dinosaurs.

Ross Radio Show 122

In this episode I play James Brown Soul Power, The Dramatics Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get, Rufus Tell Me Something Good, Michael Jackson Off The Wall, Cheryl Lynn Got To Be Real, Deniece Williams Free, Force MDs Tender Love, Blue Magic Sideshow, Al Wilson Show And Tell, The Gap Band Yearning For Your Love, Mtume Juicy Fruit, Tony Toni Tone That’s All I Ask Of You, and The Brothers Johnson Stomp. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Theater Whore: The Bourne Legacy

People know that I’m not a huge fan of Jeremy Renner. I was pissed when I found out he was in The Avenger’s but it turned out that he wasn’t so bad. He was half a robot the whole time so it wasn’t like he had to break out his acting chops or anything. When I heard that he was going to be in the next Bourne movie I was mad. I thought it was very racist that they cast him as Jason Bourne since some people already think all White people look alike but this was stretching it. I decided to see this movie because I don’t know if you’ve seen the box office lately, but shit is suh-low!

"I'm gonna kill it. I'm gonna eat it. Then I'm gonna wear it."

First off this isn’t about Jason Bourne. The movie kind of starts off as two different movies that eventually come together. The beginning is what The Grey should’ve been actually. Renner as Aaron Cross is hiking through mountains looking like Grizzly Adams and running from wolves because in movies wolves are always assholes. He gets to an outpost after hiking through snow for days where another member of his team, who is a total weirdo, gives him some meds. These meds are very important.

Ross Radio Show 121

In this episode I play Minnie Riperton Back Down Memory Lane, Luther Vandross So Amazing, Bobby Womack Woman’s Gotta Have It, Billy Paul Me & Mrs. Jones, Troop All I Do is Think Of You, The Delfonics Ready Or Not Here I Come, Donny Gerrard Stay Awhile With Me, Rude Boys & Gerald Levert Written All Over Your Face, and Earth Wind & Fire Would You Mind. Click here for this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Won't Be Fooled Again: Revolution

Not so fast, television! You're not gonna trick my goofy ass again with the hopes of a new series only to let me down. There's a new show coming out called Revolution on NBC that looks like it may be cool but I'm just not willing to take the time to give these shows a chance anymore. I can usually just go based on the posters if it is gonna suck or if its gonna be a confused jumbled mess after a few episodes.

Revolution takes place in a post-apocalyptic future. Fifteen years earlier, an unknown phenomenon permanently disabled all advanced technology on the planet, ranging from computers and electronics to car engines, jet engines, and batteries. People were forced to adapt to a world without technology, and due to the collapse of public order, many areas are ruled by warlords and militias. The series focuses on the Matheson family, who possess an item that is the key to not only finding out what happened fifteen years ago, but also a possible way to reverse its effects. However, they must elude various enemy groups who want to possess that power for themselves.

Sons of bitches had me until I read that they posses “an item that is the key to finding out...” line. I am so tired of that vague bullshit. I know what that really means. “Holy crap we only wrote three episodes of this because we were hoping for it to be a film and now we have to stretch it out for twelve episodes!” And that sucks because I really do want to watch more TV on my actual TV, not just online.

Theater Whore: The Expendables 2

“I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m gonna take your life.”

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger have arrived to kill anything that has the ability to produce life! Holy shit. Expendables 2 is one of those movies where ten years ago if you told me about it I would have called you a lying liar who lies. This movie gives you everything you wanted from the first film plus more.

This movie starts off with a group called, gasp!, The Expendables. They complete this crazy ass mission at the very beginning where Jet Li ends up leaving the movie. So if any of you were hoping to see him kicking folks in the face, too bad. He’s gone. There’s a new guy, a sniper named Billy the Kid and you’re just waiting for him to die. He’s happy, about to get married, and this is his last job. That is a recipe for disaster in films! The team are forced to take another job and take a dame with them who doesn’t even want to bone anyone! So they go on the mission and it all goes to shit when new guy is captured by JCVD! New guy won’t stop talking mad shit and gets a knife kicked through his heart! It was awesome.

LL Cool J Fucks Up Burglar

Just read on the news about actor/rapper LL Cool J beating the fuck out of a homeless dude that broke into his house. Jonathon Kirby, who is 56 and should know better, broke into LL’s home here in California and was subdued. And by subdued I mean he is now in the hospital with a broken jaw, nose, and ribs. Dude may have his bail set at $1.1 million bucks and could get 38 years to life if he is convicted for first degree burglary. He has already been sentenced for two other crimes before. Every guy has a fantasy of someone breaking into their home and getting the chance to practice some Street Fighter shit on them. LL just got the chance to do it in real life. Lucky bastard. Don't even sit there reading this and lying to yourself that you've never wanted to beat up a burglar Antoine Dodson style. If he gets free he should try a lighter opponent. Someone like Drake or Chris Brown. Brown for sure. Unless you're a woman because he will for sure fuck your shit up.

Gossip & Shit August 20th 2012

Foreign women continue to date Mel Gibson even though he is past crazy. The latest is Nadia Lanfranconi who models as well as makes music none of us will ever hear. Truly shocking. A model/musician and celebrity never get together!

Recently fired NFL player Chad Johnson formerly Ocho Cinco who is in the shitter for head butting his new bride also owes $130,000 on his home. Some people are natural born fuck ups. He did this about ten years ago with another woman he was dating and completed a program saying that he likely would not beat up women anymore.

Bobby Brown is in rehab for being Bobby Brown.

Remember Courtney Stodden who is 17 and her creepy ass husband Doug Hutchison who is in his 50’s and he married her when she was 16? Yeah. Them. He has the nerve to be mad that someone on a show they will be on, Couple’s Therapy, called him a child molester. Well…

Insert Coin: Choplifter

In Choplifter, the player assumes the role of a combat helicopter pilot. The player attempts to save hostages being held in prisoner of war camps in territory ruled by the evil Bungeling Empire. The player must collect the hostages and transport them safely to the nearby friendly base, all the while fighting off hostile tanks and other enemy combatants. According to the backstory, the helicopter parts were smuggled into the country described as mail sorting equipment.

That doesn’t sound dangerous at all, huh? Having parts of a helicopter sent in, assembling the son of a bitch, and then using it to rescue people. Don’t know about you but I’d take my chances with the Bungeling Empire. They didn’t have the best security team if some dude can build a copter and fuel it enough to run rescue missions. It was a fully armed and working helicopter built right under their noses! I’m figuring that no guards ever wandered by and wondered what all the ruckus was about. “That guy crying sounds like a drill and welding tool!”

Theater Whore: Total Recall

In the future there are even lens flares underground. I watched Total Recall because I like to punish my brain sometimes. I have to even out the reading and creative shit with just ridiculous crap like this. I know that people are comparing this to the old Schwarzenegger version but I honestly cant since the only things I remember about that film is Arnold’s bulging eyes when he cant breathe, a fight with Sharon Stone, and a chick with three boobs. Which does happen in this version and it not as hot as you’d think.

This should be hot...

The world has been fucked up by a huge chemical war where the last two safe places to live are the United Federation of Britain and The Colony, where the poor folk live. Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid who works at a place that builds these androids that police stuff. Quaid keeps having this strange ass dreams where he and this hot chick are running from the law and he gets captured. He wakes up and his wife Lori played by Kate Beckinsale is like “Don’t worry it is just a dream…idiot” so Quaid decides to go to work and visit Rekall place where they can make any fantasy you have real in your head. Oh, I have to mention the way Quaid gets to work. Its this fucking thing called “The Fall” which is a giant shuttle drill that goes through the damned core of the planet to get to the other side. Fuck that.