The Classics Part 8

I was recently thinking about one of the best Royal Rumble's that ever happened. There have been a ton of memorable moments and stories that have led to good Wrestlemania moments. The best Rumble for me has got to be 1993's Royal Rumble. This Rumble had not only the largest amount of superstars but some really good feuds were coming to a head.

This Rumble started with that Steiner Brothers vs. Beverly Brothers match I covered before in the very first The Classics I posted. This match is what I say is the best tag team wrestling match I have ever seen. If someone asked me “What is tag team wrestling?” I would play that match for them. Even though the commentary didn't work for whatever reason with Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan it didn't take away how good it was. This is the match with the best Frankensteiner ever executed.

The next match was Shawn Michaels versus Marty Jannetty. This match was the culmination of the “Barbershop Window Incident.” Mind you, this was pre-internet. As far as I knew at the time dirt sheets were what my cousin made when he pissed the bed. I had no idea that HBK was gonna kick his partner in the damned face and toss him through a window. He literally kicked the popularity out of Jannetty! Besides being a great way to keep this feud going this match makes you miss Sensational Sherri and the role female managers played when they were on their A game. I had no idea which way Sherri was gonna turn during this match.

The next match was Bam Bam Bigelow versus Big Boss Man. Uh...that happened. I seriously cant even remember this taking place.

Next up was for the WWF Championship with Bret Hart defending against Razor Ramon. Damn, Razor was a dick during this time period! He was fucking around attacking Owen (this was when getting hit with a trashcan ended with stretchers arriving on scene), trash talking Bret during matches and interviews. This match was just about as good as their match at the first King Of The Ring. Second Sharpshooter attempt. Pah! Ya done, son! Bret retains and I cheered like a little girl because he was Bret was my hero at this time.

Next Bobby Heenan brought out his latest wrestler, “The Narcissist” Lex Luger! I was like“That's...just Luger.” I was never a huge fan of his particularly since my brother could easily apply the damned Torture Rack to me whenever he pleased. Sitting eating cereal? Torture Rack. Going to take a leak? Torture Rack. Crying because I was put in the Torture Rack? Torture Rack. The shit was endless. So, yeah. The best part about this is looking at what was defined as hot in the 90's when they zoom in on chicks in the audience and Heenan's damn near fainting as he begs Luger to disrobe. Remember Chris Master's long ass entrance? Okay. No imagine it times twenty. I guess it worked though. 20 years later and I recall it better than Bam Bam and Boss Man's match.

Now it is time for the Royal Rumble! Apparently this was the first time where winning equaled a shot at the belt. I had cleaned the entire damned house for this moment. The match starts off with Bob Backlund and Ric Flair in the ring. Yeah. That is how this damned thing starts! How can I even make a comparison for younger readers? That would be like Undertaker and The Rock starting the Rumble in 2014. I guess. I don't know who you kids like nowadays. Heath Slater? Fandango? But seriously, I like Fandango. Not as a wrestler since a diving legdrop is ass. But the whole dancing shit makes me laugh. Back to the match!

This match had Virgil getting his revenge on against Ted DiBiase. The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Typhoon) beginning to break up. Giant Gonzalez showed up and tossed Taker around like a ragdoll. Even as a child I thought his outfit was ridiculous. So no Taker for the Rumble. Now anything could happen. Hell, Fatu could be fighting for the belt!

Here are some of the names that were involved. Papa Shango, Rick Martel, Tito Santana, Carlito's dad Carlos Colon (when he came to the ring I was like “The hell is this guy?!”), Owen Hart, IRS, Jerry Lawler, Koko B. Ware, and Mr. Perfect. And of course Macho Man Randy Savage!

He and Yokozuna were the last two men in the ring and from what I remember Macho was the first person to ever take Yokozuna off his feet. He headed up to the top rope, delivered the elbow drop, and...went for the pin? What?! Yoko benchpressed him off his chest and over the top rope! I was furious! I seriously thought that he was gonna find some way to get Yoko over the top rope and win it.

Nothing But Gossip April 22nd 2013

Oh, no she didn’t! Yes, she did! Reese Witherspoon’s husband who is not Ryan Phillippe so who cares really, was arrested for a DUI. Reese ended up pulling a “Do you know my name?” at the arresting officer. She actually did that shit! While he was being arrested she kept on jumping in and out of the car so the cop was like “Fuck this pointy chinned thing!” and arrested her dumbass as well. Justice? You just got served. Served! Served! Served!

Late rapper Nate Dogg’s baby mama wants over $300,000 in money for child support. He was supposed to cough up close to $4,400 a month for support. The fuck?! Does the kid have some incurable disease?!

Dashuh broke the news to me that Kris Humphries who was suing Kim Kardashian over fraud and dragging his ass over a divorce from her dropped his case to play basketball. You fucking goof. I wonder how much they paid this caveman to finally just shut up. So no $7 million. No annulment. 

Now THIS Is A Wonder Woman

Is there anything porn cant do? It saves relationships, keeps teens off the streets, and me from going on punching sprees. There is a new adult film starring porn actress Kimberly Kane where she plays Wonder Woman and I'll be damned if she isn't the second best looking woman to wear the outfit. It has an updated look that is just incredible. I mean, honestly. She looks like a great Wonder Woman. Nevermind the fact that she has had more hands on her than the Stanley Cup. If they were to make a legit WW film this dame needs to play her. You know why? Because anything is better than this.

Dante's Most Evil Villains Of Television

The other day I was thinking about some of my favorite TV shows. It turns out that what made me like these shows were the bad guys. Of course I like the heroes but a hero with a crappy villain is barely worth watching. This is one of the reasons I'm not a huge fan of Superman. His villains are just strong and every time he battles it just becomes a punchfest. Why hasn't Batman ever taught that man some karate?

I decided to whip up a list of some of my favorite villains from TV shows. With each I will use my favorite line from them and explain why they are just so damned evil. Surprisingly many of them are women, which is weird because woman are some of the nicest beings on the planet. I said that with my eyebrow raised so sarcastically high it actually caused my left eyeball to dislodge.

Nothing But Gossip April 17th 2013

Gossip & Shit has been replaced with Nothing But Gossip.

After years of sobriety Ozzy Osburne is back in the saddle again. Many believe that this is what has led to him and his wife Sharon Osbourne splitting up following years of marriage. That sucks. I remember how strange he was on all those meds back on Meet The Osbourne’s and then hearing him sober on Howard Stern and thinking it was an impersonator.

Lindsay Lohan wants a pat on the back and a cookie for not getting drunk at Coachella over the weekend. Please, child.

A fat teen went on Rachel Ray’s show and is allegedly suing because they made her, gasp!, exercise.

Comedian Kevin Hart was arrested for DUI. Don’t do that, you ass.

NFL player Reggie Bush who is best known for boning Kim Kardashian has a new girl and she is also pregnant…and looks like Kim K. Let it go, dude.

Ray J Is A Dick

Ray J sucks. I don't even know what to call him exactly. He's not a rapper and he's not a singer. He's that weird shit that's been around for a while now that sing their raps and rap their singing. It sucks but chicks love that stuff and guys want to be like these dudes. I don't understand it and probably never will. I'm too damned old to learn new things. Ray J has a new “song” called “I Hit It First.” There has been a lot of talk about the song, not because it is any good, which it isn't, but because Ray J wants attention.

The image he wont admit the cover is based off of.

“I mean a lot of people saying a lot of different things about the record. For me, the record is self-explanatory. Like I tell everybody, I’m not trying to put fuel on the fire. You know what I’m saying? We just want people to enjoy the record. It’s more so about me than anybody else” he lied during an interview. “I don’t think nobody should be upset about something that really happened. I think when people do music everybody talks about they life and what they go through. This just my chapter and I think people need to look at it like that and don’t look at it for nothing more than that.”

Ray J is pretending we were all born yesterday and saying the song isn't about his former sex doll Kim Kardashian. For those of you that don't know Ray J and Kim dated years ago and had a sex tape. I have seen it and it sucks. He wont shut his damned mouth much like many other Black dudes filming themselves fucking. Click here to read me bitching about that. Other than that he is known for a shitty show on VH1 and before that for being the younger brother of singer and killer Brandy.

Stop It M. Knight Shyamalan

M Knight Shyamalan is a pompous asshole. That's pretty much how I feel about the guy. For years he was able to crank out some good movies. Its weird when I even write that. M Knight used to make good movies. There was The Sixth Sense of course. Then he did Unbreakable which is the best superhero movie where they refuse to say out loud that its a superhero movie. And then there's Signs which a lot of people say isn't good because the aliens that are killed by water land on Earth which is mostly water. You know what? People still drown! Water ain't new so lay off the ignorant ass aliens!

If that's the biggest problem you have with the movie then it ain't all bad. You know what yanked me right the hell out of the movie? The fact that M Knight actually put himself in the movie. This Indian dude living in the middle of Buttfuck, Arkansas that kills Mel Gibson's wife with his car made my brain power down for a moment. Yes, I know that Indians live everywhere but the way that town looked it seemed like the kind of place that would chase anyone not White out. Okay, I'm done.

TV Slut: Hannibal

Yay! New TV show to watch! Yes, I am aware that there are tons of shows on cable that you all love but  haven’t had cable in damn near six years so I watch everything late or at a merciful friends house. I have seen the ads for the new Hannibal series for NBC and I got all kinds of happy and a lot of its due to the fact that Mads Mikkelsen is starring as Dr. Hannibal Lecter. That guy if he wasn’t an actor would surely be on some watch list based just on appearances. I feel the same way about Michael Shannon and Lance Henrikson. 

The reason why I don’t rush to watch most of the shows you all love like The Walking Dead, Sons Of Anarchy, and Breaking Bad is because they are seasons into the series and I hate playing catch up. The last time I did was with Being Human, Sherlock, and Luther. Those are all BBC shows and I was able to low through them quickly since the seasons aren’t 10-12 episodes long. With Hannibal I’m getting in on the ground floor. Ladies lingerie on the second. How did I get here? It doesn’t matter. Just enjoy the view, Susie.

Theater Whore: Olympus Has Fallen

Its officially the start of summer blockbuster movies where shit explodes and people get shot and I make strange faces because I’m too excited which is why I prefer hitting it from the back! I’m full of shame! Hello. I have been dying to see a damned movie for over a month now that the Academy Awards are done and most movie makers are like “I don’t give a fuck just put something out there.” I saw Olympus Has Fallen after laughing at how cheesy it was. Then I saw that Antoine Fuqua did it and he did Training Day, Tears Of The Sun, King Arthur, and Brooklyn’s Finest and I loved those movies. 

This stars Gerard Butler as Mike Banning, a former Army Ranger that is the head of President Detail. Its his job to protect the President Benjamin Asher played by Aaron Eckhart and the First Lady played by Ashley Judd and their kid who is thankfully not used as a huge plot device in this movie. One night while heading to a dinner the president’s car goes over a bridge and Banning is able to save him but not the First Lady and she dies. He is removed from the detail and now works for the Treasury Department. He also ignores his wife a lot. 

All Grown An' Shit 3

Remember that show Boy Meets World? I do. Mostly for Danielle Fishel who played the hippy ass character Topanga. Just like with Melissa Joan Hart from Sabrina The Teenage Witch I was like “We are close to the same age and when she gets older she is gonna be hot…” But Fishel disappeared. She ended up doing some small ass films that I have no interest in watching. Then last night while trolling the internets I discovered that she was in the latest issue of Maxim.

Hubba hubba.

So Much Hate: World War Z Movie

I’m not one to complain for no reason. I was almost able to say that with a straight face. A few years back I read this book called World War Z. Honestly, I bought it because the cover was awesome totally blowing that whole “not judging a book by its cover” stuff right out of the water. It immediately became one of the best books I’ve ever read in my life. The characters, the stories, the action, the zombies, the war, it was all just incredible writing on Max Brooks’ part. 

I have owned the book three times. Owned is in the past tense because I let someone borrow it and they lost it, another had their child destroy it, and another ruined it. I refuse to buy it again even though when I owned it I read it probably eight times. Its that good of a story.

When I heard that it was purchased to be made I was excited. I imagined a terrific series that could run for at the very least three seasons. There are so many characters and tales that done in a documentary manner it would’ve blown The Walking Dead out of the water. But that isn’t what happened.

It was being made into a film. 

How come why?!

Still, I held judgment. It was in development hell for years which is never a good sign. Multiple rewrites and location changes and shots needed. And then I saw the trailer and lost my fucking shit. If I were more animal than man I would’ve beat my chest, roared, and smeared shit all over my computer screen. 

DVDiculous: Freakazoid Season 1

"@[=g3,8d]\&fbb=-q]/hk%fg" and delete when pressed into your keyboard will do absolutely nothing. But when Dexter Douglas' cat accidentally pressed it it activated something in a microchip that turned him from mild mannered nerd to insane superhero Freakazoid. Of course you don't see this except in the theme song and all the way in episode seven or something. This past weekend I watched the first season with H. and Beast Baby. H. hadn't seen the show in years and BB had never seen it. Each of them have crazy ass sense of humor so I figured they'd really like it.

I had not watched this in a few years and this show is friggin' insane. I mean, even for a WB show its insane. Some stories start off at the end. Some are in the middle. Freakazoid has villains that are talked about but never shown as well as sidekicks that last a moment or one segment like Foamy The Freakdog who spent more time trying to hurt him than anything else. Or Expendable Lad who quit after bruising his clavicle.