DVDiculous: Max Payne & Hitman

For no reason I decided to watch some video game based films. The first I viewed was Max Payne starring Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Max Payne is a angry cop. I guess I’d be too if my wife and infant son were murdered by some crack heads hopped up on goofballs. Actually, its some new drug that is all the rage amongst random ass people. Don’t know about you but doing a drug that makes me see demons sounds fun!

Party!!!

So Max heads to this club and starts fucking with folks until this hot ass chick from Quantum Of Solace played by Olga Kurylenko starts messing around with him. He doesn’t want a piece of her though and leaves. She comes to his place and starts stripping down to her draws and he kicks her out. No! I refuse to believe this is possible! The best way to get over the loss of a family is by boning the bejesus out of a hot chick! Right?

DVDiculous: Bucky Larson Born To Be A Star

So for no good reason I decided to watch Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star. I’ve heard nothing good about this movie but I like Nick Swardson so I decided, what the hell, I’ll give it a go. I laughed like an idiot at least six times which is six times more than watching The Hangover. I mention that film because for whatever reason it seems to be the measuring stick by which all comedies are now measured. It has a very basic premise. Small town guy finds out his parents were once famous porn stars and he heads to Hollywood to be just like them. You know. The usual.

This is how all tourists look to me.

He ends up meeting a waitress played by Christina Ricci and they become friends. He moves into an apartment with a psychopath played by Kevin Nealon. After pulling his junk out at an audition for macaroni and cheese (“Well, you cant go whipping your dick out at mac and cheese commercials. You’ll go to jail”) he is taken to a party hosted by porn star Dick Shadow played by Stephen Dorff (“Nothing grows in my cock shade. Nothing”) where they expose his micro-cock. Its seriously tiny. Like half a pinky finger.

DVDiculous: Le Femme Nikita

I finally watched Le Femme Nikita for the first time. I’ve heard of this movie for years and people have said how good it is. Nope. This movie was average at best. I wonder what people saw in it that I didn’t. This is from the same director of The Professional which is one of the best damned movies I’ve ever seen. It was made in 1990 so I had to forgive the terrible almost pornish sounding music.

"Psst! You holding?"

The movie is about a chick that is a drug addict. She and her friends rob a store and everyone ends up getting killed. Well, except her and a cop that she proceeds to kill for no reason. She ends up tried and convicted of murder and gets life in prison. She gets “executed” and wakes up in a room where a guy tells her that she is dead to the world and he wants to give her a chance to start a new life. She ends up trying to hostage her way out of the place but ends up getting shot in the leg for her troubles.

TV Slut: Mythbusters

I’ve been watching a bunch of Mythbusters lately. I used to watch this show every week including the reruns and it tickled the part of my brain that used to be very smart. They take myths ranging from the nonsense you hear and read about on the internet to old myths such as weapons that supposedly existed thousands of years ago and they rebuild them…and sometimes things explode.

The Rant Zone Show 16

In this episode I discuss The Avengers, Safe House, Human Centipede 2, Battleship, and rant about the lack of morning cartoons for children anymore. Click here to download this and past Rant Zone Shows.

Maxim Hot 100 Is BS

Accused killer Amanda Knox and the cartoon character Lois Griffin are ranked above Layla El from WWE on the new Maxim Hot 100. That alone should let you know how much of a bullshit list this is. I’ve known about this list from when I used to read it at the porn shop. That I worked at. I need to add that little part so folks don’t think I was hanging around porn shops just…reading and stuff. After a while Maxim, Stuff, and FHM become the same magazine. This is Layla by the way.

Babbling Old Man: The Last Dragon

This movie has influenced me in so many ways. None of them good. I believed that if I wanted to bad enough that one day I would get The Glow. No, not by being a good person and practicing for years doing karate. But just by wanting to have the power to look electric and beat the shit out of people. The Last Dragon is one of the best films of the 80’s.

This movie is set in New York where according to movies nothing good ever happens and there’s this dude named Leroy Green aka Bruce Leroy because that shit is funny. He trains to reach the final level like its some kinda damned video game. I’m not a fan of Leroy. Mainly because he’s so damned pretty.

I Fucking Love L.A

I love Los Angeles. I was born here and I’ll die here. I know to some that may sound depressing. I’ll assume that if you feel that way then you’re likely somewhere that sucks. But not me. I wont even do like some people and claim that my city is the best in the world. Its just best for me.

One thing that bothers me most when it comes to my city is the people who live here but do nothing but complain about it. I’m not talking about the people who were born here. This is the ones that come here, stay here, and do nothing but bitch about how much better it is back where they’re from. This is an old song I’ve listened to for years since not that many people I know were born here. I always ask myself “Why are you still here if its so bad?”

The phrase “L.A” is never used in a nice way to describe someone but I’ve never heard the few of my friends who were born here described as L.A. Certain types of attitudes, styles, and activities are called L.A. I don’t do any of these things but a lot of fucking people not from L.A do. Here’s some things considered L.A.

Perving On Scarlett Johansson

After discovering that Crystal Beth from Tha O Show shares my love of seeing Scarlett Johansson in tight black outfits I felt that I needed to write a blog about it. For those of you that have no desire to hear me babble on about how great she looks in The Avengers you should probably stop reading.

Kristen Wiig Leaves SNL

As if I needed another reason to stop watching Saturday Night Live, Kristen Wiig has left the show. I had no idea this was her last season on the show. I watched it last night but tuned out to continue reading The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks. Great book so far. The host/musical guest was Mick Jagger. The show was close to okay but nothing to talk about the next day.

That is until I saw online that this was Wiig’s last episode. Knowing that it was her last episode she should’ve had all her best characters return. In the past seven years that she has been on the show she has been the star. So many people have come and gone with no fanfare that the fact that they let her leave on such a whimper is shameful.

DVDiculous: Quantum Of Solace

Why is the hell did I wait four years to finally watch Quantum Of Solace? Granted, I’m not a huge James Bond fan but I did like Casino Royale quite a bit. So randomly I watched this and damn this movie is nuts! I know a lot of people don’t like Daniel Craig as Bond but out of all the 007 films I’ve seen this dude is my favorite one.

Don't cut Bond off in traffic.

The movie starts off with Bond in a car chase/shootout. I don’t mean this happens after some witty dialogue or something. Right from the get-go there is shooting and cars crashing. For people who are fans of the car Bond drives I felt bad because this door, as you can see, gets wrecked. He survives of course and has someone in the trunk for questioning.

Theater Whore: Safe House

If you love seeing Ryan Reynolds winking at the camera and strutting around with his shirt off…this is not the movie for you. He gets fucked up in this movie. A lot. 70% of this film is watching him, as Matt Weston, looking like he’s ready to drop dead any second. Denzel Washington as Tobin Frost on the other hand actually finds the time to clean up and get a haircut.

Just chillin'.

In South Africa Weston works alone at a safe house. It’s a place to hold dangerous people until the government comes and gets them. One day Frost is brought in because he has a file that has some information about every agency and the dirty shit they’ve done. He gets tortured but doesn’t break. Next thing you know…chaos!

DVDiculous: Taking of Pelham 123

So for whatever reason I decided to watch Taking Of Pelham 123. Maybe I’m on some whole kick of watching just how damned dangerous the state of New York is or something seeing as how I just viewed The Brave One. So I sat down to see what would happen when Denzel Washington and John Travolta felt like playing tag.

All hands, report to bridge!

Denzel is working at a train station making sure shit goes smoothly. Travolta is running a group of psychos hellbent on taking a subway car hostage and getting a cool $10,000,000 in the process. Travolta calls Denzel and is like “Yo. Got a train full of hostages. Get me cash in an hour or I kill one for every minute you’re late.” Denzel is like “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

DVDiculous: The Brave One

Apparently killing folks is like eating potato chips: you cant stop at just one. This is what I’ve learned after watching The Brave One starring Jodie Foster. Well, I also learned that New York City is a place where everyone is just waiting for rob you at every turn. Literally. There was not one place this woman went where bad shit wasn’t happening!

White giiiiiirl...

So the movie is about a chick and her fiancé being in love which means that somebody has got to die. I mean, seriously. Who falls in love anymore? So while they’re walking through a park at night letting their dog run free--wait one goddamned second. Is it just me or are they asking to get fucked up? Anyway, they get cornered and the dude gets killed while the chick gets wrecked.

Theater Whore: The Raid Redemption

Sweet merciful crap! This was an intense movie! If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Streets Of Rage 2 were made into a movie, this is it. The Raid: Redemption is an Indonesian film about a twenty man SWAT team that is heading into a building run by a crime lord. The premise seems pretty straight forward and that’s because it is. No bullshit “Oh, we have to save this woman and fall in love” or “What is the meaning of life…?” nonsense. Just lots of fighting.

His gun shoots elbows.

The guy you wanna pay the most attention to, and you definitely will, is Rama. This guy is a fighting machine. He will break your arms, legs, and neck in a split second. I’m getting ahead of myself. The team arrives to the building and immediately shit goes bad. You know there’s some dirty behind the scenes stuff going on that’s high up on the food chain.

Theater Whore: The Avengers

This was a big fucking movie. I mean seriously, what more can I ask for when it comes to a superhero movie? Damn, just everything that a fan of comic books and each of the main characters individual films (Thor, not so much…) can want in a movie is in The Avengers.

Admittedly, I was nervous about this movie when it was announced. As much as I like Joss Whedon I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to pull this off. Also the addition of Mark Ruffalo replacing Edward Norton made me upset. But I have to say I was shocked that each of these things made no damned difference. Hell, even Jeremy Renner couldn’t ruin this film its so powerful!

Game Of Thrones Is Full Of Assholes

I was finally able to catch up on Game Of Thrones which is halfway through its second season. It is an amazing show with lots of great actors and drama. Since the show has started I’ve noticed that there are a lot of assholes on the show. Not just the regular run of the mill types we see everyday in our normal lives. But the kind that can end your life because they’re bored.

Enter King Joffrey.

DVDiculous: The Human Centipede 2

So I decided to watch The Human Centipede 2. Now, I know some of you are like “Why in the hell would you do that?!” but let me tell you…after watching A Serbian Film there is no level of filth or horror that can make me flinch or be horrified. I saw the first Human Centipede and was surprised at how not graphic it was.

This one has the same director which is good or bad depending on how you wanna look at it. Good since there aren’t two people making such shit films or bad because there’s the one. This movie, and I use that term very lightly, is about a security guard named Martin who loves the movie Human Centipede so much that he wants to make it happen in real life.

Gossip & Shit May 11th 2012

In the Jennifer Hudson murder trial the jury is split. The judge is like “Fuck that!” and they are being forced to reach a verdict.

Ola Ray who was the chick in the Thriller video has settled for royalties from Michael Jackson’s estate. So soon?

Patricia Krentcil has been banned from multiple tanning salons because she scares the other customers. That’s what I gather.

DVDiculous: Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows

I don’t know why the hell it took me so long to finally get around to watching Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows. I enjoyed the hell out of the first one and knew this one would be good. Ever since Guy Ritchie split with Madonna he’s been making good films again. And this was no exception.

Robert Downey Jr. is back again as the title character with Jude Law as Watson. The two of them work so damned well together it makes me sick. The movie starts with Holmes being stranger than we last saw him, almost as if his ass is losing his mind. There have been a series of explosions that have been killing high ranking officials. He also finds out that Watson is getting married.

Perfeck Strangers "Series Premiere" Album Review

In a world where I continually bitch about the fact that there is no good music coming out, I’m always happy when Canada decides to put out music. Yeah, I know. Canada. That place up North that until a few years ago meant little to me except beer, hockey, and snow. Turns out they know a thing or four about hip-hop.

My first exposure to hip-hop there was Dan-e-o. When I started listening to Tha O Show and hearing him freestyle I was like “This dude is good. He should put out an album.” Turns out I was later than that girl’s period you took to the prom. He, as part of Monolith, had been putting out music for a while. Fast forward to me being better informed and listening to guys like Big Kish and Botany Hill I figured that I was good for a while.

Ross Radio Show 114

In this tribute to the late MCA Adam Yauch I play some of my favorite Beastie Boys songs. Hold It Now Hit It, The New Style, Paul Revere, Hey Ladies, Root Down, Three MCs and One DJ, Posse In Effect, Girls, She’s Crafty, Fight For Your Right. Click here to download this show and here for past Ross Radio Shows.

Gossip & Shit May 3rd 2012

The former Mr. Britney Spears aka Kevin Federline is being sued by a former landlord for trashing the joint. Apparently more than $110,000 in damages. What the hell did he do? Burn half of it down?!

Gabriel Aubry who is the baby daddy of Halle Berry’s kid wants $20,000 a month in support. USA! USA! USA!

Remember a couple months back when Lindsay Lohan allegedly hit that dude with her car? Yeah, its going to the D.A’s office now. Dun-dun-duuun!

Bobby Brown is saying he didn’t get Whitney Houston on drugs. He was too busy smoking dope and eating Steak-Um’s for that bullshit.

DVDiculous: Percy Jackson & The Vampire's Assistant

I randomly decided to watch this movie because, well, it was almost 3am and damn it I had nothing else to do but try to read in the dark or break some kinda world record. Percy Jackson & Olympians The Lightning Thief wasn’t as bad of a film as I thought it would be. Its about a kid that finds out that his dad was Perseus. That’s way better than Leroy from Slauson being your dad.

Will the Black one survive?! Even the gods aren't sure!

He ends up at a place where other half-god kids are trained to fight and never get to meet their parents. Percy’s best friend from school who is handicapped turns out to be half-goat and his wheelchair bound teacher is a centaur. Every handicapped person is now suspect in my eyes.