DVDiculous: A Serbian Film

There are some films that fuck you up mentally. Like, after you watched them you cant stay warm, food doesn’t taste as good, and you have a hard time looking in the mirror. A Serbian Film is that kinda film. I was told that it was supposed to be extreme and hardcore to which I said “Ha! I am the definition of hardcore! Wanna see my comic book collection?!”

I was so wrong.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Liam Neeson

“I never did think of myself as handsome--terribly attractive, yes, but not handsome.” Liam Neeson

A few days ago while writing about the new film The Grey I wanted to link it to a Bad Ass Mofo starring Liam Neeson only to discover that I had never written one. What the fuck is my problem?! This guy should have been like the second one I did. But I didn’t and now I am checking under my bed. Not just because I’m scared of him, but because his cock is supposed to be so big that there’s a site dedicated to nothing but how big it is.

Gossip & Shit January 29th 2012

Halle Berry’s ex has agreed to go to anger management classes after attacking a nanny. I say lock him in a room playing Catwoman and her performances as Storm in the X-Men films as punishment. He wouldn’t raise his hands to answer a question after that!

Nick Stahl of Terminator 3 was arrested for not being able to pay cab fair. He then posted $500 bail which was a little over five times the amount he owed the cabbie. How is he broke?!

Puff Daddy Sean Diddy Combs P. is throwing a party where the cost is reportedly five figures. Oh, and you have fifteen (15!!!) girls to take care of you. Each. Let me do the math. If there are ten guys and the have fifteen girls each that’s like…a lot of STD’s!

Babbling Old Man: Flashdance

If you’re a young woman trying to make it in the world all you need to do is follow your dreams, work hard, and push yourself past your limits. Or know a rich dude that has connections. Whomp. I watched Flashdance for the first time last night. Yeah, so soon, right? There are a lot of old films I haven’t seen. Usually the ones that were popular. So excuse me if my youth was spent watching Petey Wheatstraw instead of half naked broads on stage.

Theater Whore: The Grey

“Lets get a large branch sharpen the edge of it. We’re gonna cook this son of a bitch…then we’re gonna eat it.”

After watching this film I now believe that Liam Neeson is the manliest of all men in the history of menkind. Fully aware that this is not a real word but whatever. For months I have watched the trailer for this just for one scene. I didn’t care about what happened as long as I got to see Liam Neeson square off against a goddamn wolf in the middle of nowhere. Uh…yeah. Spoilers below.

Theater Whore: The Skin I Live In

First off I have to let you all know that I will be spoiling the bejeezus out of this movie. So if you haven’t seen it and stop reading right now. Or if you’re one of those people that can read spoilers and not care then enjoy yourself. I had no interest in seeing this because the trailer looked very bland. But damn I am glad I watched it now!

The movie stars Antonio Banderas as Robert Ledgard, a surgeon who has perfected a new form of skin grafting that would help with burn victims. He says that he has tested it on animals but for real he has been testing it on this hot ass chick played by Elena Ayana named Vera that he has locked in a room. She just tears cloth, does pottery, and yoga all day.

Ross Radio Show 105

In this Etta James tribute episode I play Tell Mama, Fool That I Am, It’s A Man’s World, Do Right Woman Do Right Man, Sunday Kind Of Love, Baby What You Do To Me, I Just Want To Make Love To You, Something’s Got A Hold On Me, All I Could Do Was Cry, Try A Little Tenderness, At Last, and I’d Rather Go Blind. Click here to download this show and here for past Ross Radio Shows. Hopefully now Jackie wont beat me up.

FAP FILES: Commercial Chicks

For those of you with the benefit of cable television you don’t really have to suffer through commercials every three minutes while watching a show. I don’t have cable so when I do happen to watch TV and get bombarded with ads. But then I try to find the silver lining which is the hope that a cute ass chick will pop up every once in a while. I have found the names of three such chicks.

The Rant Zone Show 13

In this episode I talk about the Top 10 Movies of the weekend, review Contraband and Underworld: Awakening, some quick upcoming films, and a new What The Fuck Was That?! segment. Click here to download this and past Rant Zone Shows.

Insert Coin: Marvel Nemesis Rise Of The Imperfects

"The game begins with The Thing discovering alien invaders destroying a bridge. The Thing fights his way to the end of the bridge and finds another alien that has the same strength as him. The Thing smashes him and the alien reveals they do not want the humans; they want something the humans have. The Thing fights through the city defeating every alien he can. The whole city learns of the invasion and learns that the aliens have defeated Captain America, The Punisher, and Hulk."

Some games are hard. Some games are difficult. And some games make you question humanity for making a game that is so damned unbeatable! Marvel Nemesis: Rise Of The Imperfects is such a game. While this game was fun to play in the versus mode the story mode that you had to play to unlock everything sucked!

Gossip & Shit January 22nd 2012

Singer Seal and his model wife Heidi Klum are getting a divorce. The term “irreconcilable differences” can mean anything from “not enough time together” to “she got a good look at him.”

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has paid off a hotel employee who he raped for an undisclosed amount. How much does it cost to pay off a rape case? “$500,000?” “Oh, the anguish!” “$1,000,000?” “Such great trauma! Oh, the pain of it all!” “$2,000,000...?” “All better now!”

Marc Anthony and his 24 year old girlfriend got matching tattoos. Dumbass. Oh, and his 17 year old daughter was there for all the fun. Guess his kid and girlfriend hang out and are totally, like, BFF’s! How the hell can you date someone 7 years older than your kid?!

Theater Whore: Underworld Awakening

I have to admit that I’ve never seen an Underworld film before. So while watching Underworld: Awakening I only knew to expect a few things from the trailers from the three previous films: shiny clothes, slow motion, and the main character posing every single time she landed on the ground. I was not disappointed. After watching this Zack Snyder should feel better about the complaints people had about the use of slow motion in his films.

Earn Hollywood Earn

I keep on hearing and reading about how movies are making less money. They blame the internet, the economy, and high ticket prices. I see this nonsense and all I can ask myself is “What about the shitty films?” This seems to be an aspect that hundreds of Hollywood people don’t seem to ask. At least not out loud.

I look through the top 100 films and tilt my head like a dog that heard a whistle. Besides the movies I’ve seen, the ones I will never see, and the ones that are too small to play anywhere near me, lie the ones that I am just flat out against all my personal beliefs against.

I’m not into CGI fuckfests. What is a “CGI fuckfest”? Avatar. Tin Tin. You know. That. I’m not a huge fan of CGI films and it takes something amazing for me to go and see one. You can tell me how beautiful it is, how great the look is, and how real it looks. You know what you didn’t say?

Babbling Old Man: Moonstruck

After years of living with the knowledge of never having seen a Cher film besides Mask I sat down with Miss E. and watched Moonstruck. Now this movie was nothing like what I thought it was from my childhood memory of the commercials for it. Honestly I just never had a strong desire to see this movie. But I’m glad that I did.

Cher is Loretta Castorini. She’s 37, widowed, and unhappy about it. Her boyfriend Johnny played by Danny Aiello proposes to her and she accepts. He has to leave for Italy until his mother dies. Loretta, being terribly superstitious because her former husband was killed by a bus (doesn’t help that as the plane takes off an old lady says that she cursed the flight and that it will crash into the sea) decides that the entire wedding has to be traditional.

Theater Whore: Contraband

Sometimes I write about a movie and its hard. Not because its bad but because it should’ve been good. I know that barely makes sense but you know how I roll. The trailer for this looked pretty cool what with the dudes with tape wrapped around their faces and everyone pointing guns at one another.

The problem is that in between all of this is flat acting, unbelievable shootouts, and ridiculously inescapable traps people are set in lies a movie about getting money in the most difficult ways possible. I looked up the director and I don’t know any of his other work, but he obviously loves Michael Mann.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Jason Statham

“You ain't ever gonna get an Academy Award for doing Crank and you certainly won't for doing all the other movies I've done.” Jason Statham

For years Jason Statham has been the guy that every other guy wants to be. Not only is he in shape, know martial arts, used to be a model, dates a hot model, and been in cool action movies. The main reason men want to be him is because he has a great accent and we all know that no matter where you live on this planet that the guy with the accent wins automatically.

Ross Radio Show 104

Good beats! Liquid Liquid Cavern, Billy Squier The Big Beat, Incredible Bongo Band Apache, Babe Ruth The Mexican, Mighty Show Stoppers Hippy Skippy Moon Strut, Bernard Purdie Funky Mozart, Bootsy Collins I'd Rather Be With You, Marvin Gaye Just Like Music, and The Ohio Players Funky Worm. Click here to download this episode and here for past Ross Radio Shows.

"Fighting Words!": Napoleon Dynamite Cartoon

I love how I attempt t trick myself into thinking things will work out. Work, relationships, and of course, the new Napoleon Dynamite cartoon on Fox. Let me state for the record that I did not like the movie. There was one scene (when his uncle hits him with a steak) that made me laugh but the rest of it was like being forced to spend 90 minutes watching what I knew was supposed to be entertaining but for some reason just wasn’t. It was bizarre for the sake of being bizarre.

Ross Radio Show 103

I just felt like playing random rap songs that I enjoy. Above The Law VSOP, The D.O.C Let The Bass Go, Geto Boys Still, DMX X Gon’ Give It To Ya, Immortal Technique Goonies, Ice Cube The Product, MC Breed Ain’t No Future In Yo Frontin’, Dr Dre & Snoop Dogg Next Episode, King Tee Act A Fool, Eazy-E Radio. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Gossip & Shit January 11th 2012

Khloe Kardashian is pissed that her father may or may not be her father. Robert Kardashian’s ex wives are saying he isn’t her dad which makes her mad. You wouldn’t wanna make her mad. She turns green, rips her purple pants. Its ugly.

Lindsay Lohan is being sued for running over a photographers foot…last January. She wasn’t even driving so lets see how far this nonsense goes.

Chris Reid, the light skin-ded one from Kid N’ Play, had a warrant for his arrest from a DUI last year. That’s all.

Beyonce and Jay-Z had a baby and the world doesn’t have anything better to do so they are claming it’s a demon child. Yes! There’s nothing else wrong with the world! They named her Blue Ivy by the way.

Ross Radio Show 102

I love The Clash so I decided to dedicate a show specifically to this great band. I play Tommy Gun, Guns Of Brixton, Complete Control, Clamptown, Rudie Cant Fail, Lost In the Supermarket, Career Opportunities, Train In Vain, Bankrobber, Police & Thieves, Capitol Radio One, Police On My Back, This Is Radio Clash, and Should I Stay Or Should I Go. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Insert Coin: Star Wars Rogue Squadron

“Unlike the Star Wars: X-Wing computer game series that emphasizes space combat simulation, Rogue Squadron is a fast-paced, arcade-style action game. Each of the game's sixteen levels introduces mission objectives that must be completed to progress to the next level. These objectives are divided into four categories: search and destroy, reconnaissance, rescue and protect. Enemy aircraft are primarily composed of TIE fighters. Ground defenses are more varied and include three different walkers, laser and missile turrets, tanks, probe droids, shuttles, stormtroopers and speeder bikes.”

Let me start by saying that I hate Star Wars. Hate it. Not a fan of George Lucas or anything. What I do like are the characters and the weapons. The story and all that shit? Not so much. In hindsight it would’ve helped if I did like and watch the movies if I knew that the Deathstar could be taken out with one shot. For real, it took me forever to beat that level because I was lighting that shit up and it would not die! Star Wars Rogue Squadron is a cool ass game whether or not you watch the movies or like them.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Lucy Lawless

“Treat everyone the same until you find out they're an idiot.” Lucy Lawless

Oh, Lucy Lawless. She is this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma for so many reasons that I wont go into because I have family that will stumble upon this after my death and I have shamed them and my ancestors far enough. I’ll try and stay classy. She starred on Xena: Warrior Princess. This show inspired nerds to unite in the fact that women were real and that if you were nice you could go to a convention and look at them. Damn, she’s hot. Did you know she is from New Zealand right there with Australia? That’s like America’s version of Canada. And if she was born there she probably speaks Kill fluently.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Tom Hardy

“I'm an actor, for fuck's sake. I'm an artist. I've played with anything and anyone.” Tom Hardy

I actually had to fight with myself to keep this weeks Bad Ass Mofo off the list. Tom Hardy is relatively young compared to guys that have been being awesome for years. Tom Hardy has managed to squeeze a whole lot of cool into a short amount of time so I kinda had to add him. Or he would hurt me. I’ve seen him do it even with one shoulder separated in Warrior. In this movie that many of you still haven’t seen you sons of bitches he is great. One thing about this guy, just like Gary Oldman, is that he looks different in almost every film. I’m not talking about haircuts or some nonsense which he has done. I’m talking about morphing into another fucking human being! In this and his other film Bronson he transformed himself into a BAM of epic proportions.

Straight To DVD Hell: American Psycho 2 & S. Darko

When I used to go to the video store, you know those places that let you rent movies where humans handed you movies temporarily for money, I would see movies and just bust up laughing. These were the direct to DVD movies. Films so bad that they didn’t dare put them in theaters. I will start making lists of these terrible ass films that I flat out refuse to watch just because of the box covers.

American Psycho 2. “The film starts with a twelve-year-old Rachael Newman, whose babysitter is on a date with serial killer Patrick Bateman. As Bateman begins to dissect her babysitter, Rachael breaks out of the duct tape binding her hands and stabs him with an ice pick, which then shows up periodically through the rest of the film. Fast forward to the present day and Rachael is now a college student studying criminology under Professor Starkman, a former FBI agent.”

Gossip & Shit January 7th 2012

Katy Perry’s parents are terrible people. Using their daughters divorce to pack their church and talking about how cool they are. Stop doing that and also keep your newly divorced daughter inside for a while. Stay classy.

Selena Gomez finally got a long term restraining order from the nutbag that was stalking her. Thank god! I was losing sleep over this shit.

Bridge troll Marc Anthony is trying to make his ex wife Jennifer Lopez jealous by posting pictures of himself with some young model. Not gonna work, man. She sees more dick than a…person whose job it is to, like, see dick.

Chaz Bono is saving money for a new dick. Or a dick in general. Yeah. That’s happening. In real life.

All Grown An' Shit 2

I started these kinda lists to show that you should always be nice to that weird looking girl in class because she has like a 85% chance of growing up to be a hot ass woman. Dudes, not so much. A lot of us stay looking the same. Some girls never go through an awkward phase and stay cute throughout life which is unfair to people that look like me. But this particular list contains some girls new to any lists I’ve ever done.

Keke Palmer. She gained some popularity when she appeared in Akeela And The Bee. I remember her from being the badass little girl with the attitude in one of the Madea movies. She isn’t an ugly little girl by any stretch. She looks like quite a few girls I grew up with or saw in school. But even some of those girls grew up and looked busted. This girl looked like she could go either way based on who she dated or if she started pumping out children too young.

She didn’t pump out nothing but the hits! I saw her in a new movie that looks terribly terrible and before I got any ideas I looked up her age. She’s gonna be 19 this year and that makes me feel like a dirty old man. I try not to even look at a chick that is under 25 years old. But damn this girl is cute. She seems nice in interviews and not cocky or anything. Plus she looks…smart. I’d put it on her shoulder if she asked me to. Which she wouldn’t because she’s all successful and shit.

Insert Coin: The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time

“The game opens as the fairy Navi awakens Link from a nightmare, in which Link witnesses a stormy night where a man in black armor on horseback chases after a girl on a white horse. Navi brings Link to the guardian of Link's village, the Great Deku Tree, who is cursed and near death. Link breaks the curse, but cannot stop the tree from withering. The Deku Tree tells Link a ‘wicked man of the desert’ has cursed him and seeks to conquer the land of Hyrule and that Link must stop him. Before dying, the Great Deku Tree gives Link the spiritual stone of the forest, the Kokiri's Emerald, and sends him to Hyrule Castle to speak with the ‘princess of destiny.’ As Link is leaving, his close friend Saria bids him good luck and gives him the Fairy Ocarina, a precursor to the Ocarina of Time.”

This was a very intense game. I sucked at it hard because it required too much thought and stuff. I’m not a thought kinda guy when it comes to games. So I had my ex say “Do this, this, and then that” and I would and kick ass. You had to get this giant guide book and also purchase an extension pack to make the game run smoothly. I also had to buy a Rumble Pack to feel the vibrations. Feel it, feel it! But sometimes I didn’t feel like saving everyone from the evil bastards around Hyrule. Sometimes I just felt like spending hours fishing. And I did!

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Angelina Jolie

“I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.” Angelina Jolie

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma and probably one of the few actresses I believe would be able to cause actual bodily harm to me is Angelina Jolie! I first got a gander at her in the movie Hackers which was a cool movie but whatever did you see the lips on this girl and the ass because I sure as hell did and I keep wishing that one day she is gonna gain 30 pounds and cut her hair and look like that again! Phew. Jolie is like Milla Jovovich is Milla made better acting choices every once in a while. Jolie got a lot of attention (in film) from her role in Girl, Interrupted. Oh, and that movie Gia that for whatever reason I cant sit through even though she shows all the goods in it. There's also a young Mila Kunis as well and if that gets you excited Chris Hanson will be paying you a visit shortly.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Christian Bale

“But I learned that there's a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there's not much else that can really get to ya.” Christian Bale

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is Christian Bale. I could just sit here and say the reason is because he is the fucking Batman! After so many failed and goofy versions of the character he was the first to say “Fuck ‘Boomf!’ I’m gonna make this guy scary as shit again!” And he did. Bale is known for his intensity during filming, not breaking his accent until things are finished. He says that it took him forever to drop his Bruce Wayne voice. As cool as he is as an adult he actually started his career young.

Gossip & Shit January 2nd 2012

Time to start the new year off with some Lindsay Lohan news! Some weirdo showed up at her house and said he wanted to speak to her. She called the cops and he was arrested. No drugs, fights, or unexplainable stories. Damn, she is slacking off.

Jennifer Lopez and her boyfriend Casper Smart are still together and running around with her kids. When will Marc Anthony go nuts on this kid?

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting a divorce. I know I should be upset but my penis says that I should be overjoyed.

Jeremy London who played the guy that wasn’t one of the five at the party on Party Of Five is being charged with beating the mother of his child. I say make him watch the entire series with no sleep.