"Perils Of Punky" Wrecked My Brain

The things in my life that skeeve me out make no sense. I have moved dead bodies, washed puke and blood off my shoes from working at a hospital, mopped blood and spit from the floor of a porn shop, and ate hash browns with soy sauce when I was little. The last one I cant remember why I did it. Pretty sure I threw up soon after. I watched a lot of stuff I probably shouldn’t have when I was little. My parents didn’t filter what I watched so I saw Hellraiser, Friday The 13th, and all kinds of B movies that were rated R. None of these bothered me as much as an episode of Punky Brewster.

Prepping my adult boner for childhood fears.

This two part episode called “The Perils Of Punky” fucked up my young soul and I still don’t know why. I was thinking about this episode since its close to Halloween and looked up the plot and cant recall half the shit that happened. I just have flashes of my brain going “I don’t want!” at various images of fucked. This aired in 1985 so I was the perfect age to have parts of my spirit chipped away at.

Ross Radio Show 129

In this episode I felt like playing songs that make me want to fight or chase people. AC/DC TNT, Metallica For Whom The Bell Tolls, Led Zeppelin When The Levee Breaks, George Thorogood Bad To The Bone, Rolling Stones Gimme Shelter, Ram Jam Black Betty, Deep Purple Burn, Twisted Sister We’re Not Gonna Take It, Steppenwolf Born To Be Wild, Johnny Cash 25 Minutes To Go, Guns N’ Roses You Could Be Mine, and Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird. Click here for this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Babbling Old Man: The Day Of The Beast

Once again Beast Man recommends this film The Day of The Beast that is batshit crazy. It turns out that I had seen this poster somewhere before but never did any research on the film but while trolling Youtube watching Pewdiepie videos which everyone should do once a week one of the suggestions was the full version of this. So I watched it and damn this movie is nuts!

It starts off with Father Ángel Berriartúa letting another priest know that he has figured out when the Antichrist would show up. The priest wishes him luck and as they walk away a ginormous cross crushes the guy! Just fwap! I’m gonna refer to the main priest as Angel from now on because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna type his name more than once in this. So Angel heads to Madrid to figure all this nonsense out.

He thinks that he needs to be an evil bastard so that he can meet the Devil and kill the Antichrist before it can do what Antichrist do which I assume is watch Wendy Williams all day and force everyone to eat carrots while listening to Taylor Swift albums. So he steals from people, pushes a mime down a subway opening, and as a guy is dying from a car accident tells him he is going to rot in hell. He ends up at a record store where he meets Jose Maria.

DVDiculous: 3, 2, 1...Frankie Go Boom!

A few weeks back The Munky sent me a trailer to this movie called 3, 2, 1...Frankie Goes Boom! mostly because it had Ron Perlman as a transsexual and I was totally horrified. So of course I decided to see it since nothing makes me happier than seeing giant men dressed as women. This turned out to be a very good film that at times made me want to punch people in the face.

Frankie played by Charlie Hunnam lives in a trailer in the middle of Death Valley where he wants to be left alone. His mother calls and tells him that he needs to come home because his brother is getting out of rehab and he needs to be there to support him. Mind you, the film starts off with footage from when Frankie and Bruce were children and Bruce makes Frankie fall into a hole and is then chased by their half naked mother who falls in as well.

Bruce is played by Chris O’Dowd who was the cop in Bridesmaids. I barely recognized him. Its funny but at times his accent slips in along with Hunnam’s. So after a terrible speech given by Bruce about his sobriety Frankie leaves. Years ago Bruce posted a video from Frankie’s wedding of him puking on the bride. There’s more to it than that. Bruce says its art and doesn’t feel bad about any of the fucked up stuff he does.

Ross Radio Show 128

Felt like playing some hip-hop from the 80’s and 90’s. Ice T High Rollers, Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five The Message, Juice Crew The Symphony, Rock Master Scott & The Dynamic Three The Roof Is On Fire, Grandmaster Flash The Adventures Of Grandmaster Flash On The Wheels Of Steel, Beastie Boys Hold It Now Hit It, and The Pharcyde Return Of The B-Boy. Click here for this and past Ross Radio Shows.

"Can I Finish?!": Mockingbird Lane

Less than a year ago I wrote about the concept of a new Munsters series being made and wanted it stopped. Why? Because fuck nonsense, that’s why. Pictures have been released of the new series and I now feel comfortable since there’s no way in hell this show will make it past six episodes after airing the pilot. Its not even called The Munsters. Its called Mockingbird Lane, after their street, and is being helmed by Bryan Fuller. He has a record of shows that people like but get cancelled like Dead Like Me and Pushing Daisies. 

The old series was funny and silly which is something that most shows aren’t anymore. Everything is dirtier and more realistic. Fuck real. Real isn’t fun. I want Frankenstein to be married to a witch and give birth to a werewolf with a vampire grandpa and a dragon that lives under the stairs. That to me is entertaining TV! Not a more realistic version that will do nothing but offer my childhood candy and then slap it across the nose Three Stooges style. Which has happened before.

Gossip & Shit: October 24th 2012

Jessica Simpson’s mom and dad are divorcing. I write this just to say that Jessica did have her baby and is still pregnant looking.

Britney Spears’ former “manager” is bringing up all kinds of old shit from her past in court. He says she was on drugs and we all replied “Yeah. And…?” 

NY Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez and Eva Longoria have officially split. She love her some athletes. She should’ve known better. He’s 12 years younger than her and stank ass rich. He probably sees more tail than a short dog.

Christina Aguilera was offered $3,000,000 to represent a BBW site. I love the BBW’s, but it can be done wrong. Depending on the month Aguilera can look “That’s groovy” to “Yawzah bowzah!”

Octomom says her maillady is giving out her address. Its either her or the millions of other people who know where she lives because her monkey ass house is always in the news.

DVDiculous: The Town

It took a while but I have finally gotten over my hatred of Jeremy Renner. I’m still not ready to handle him in a starring role like in The Bourne Legacy but I’ve accepted him as a co-star. Since I can now stomach him I decided to watch The Town. I’ve seen Argo twice in a week now, loved Gone Baby Gone, and if Ben Affleck who directed and starred in this movie can do one more great film he is officially official in my book. The name of my book? The Book Of Ass. This entire movie takes place in Boston and I knew that going in so I was able to prepare myself for the accent.

"Hey. Wanna go out?"

These four friends Doug played by Affleck, James aka Jem played by Renner…and the rest, rob banks. They stick up a place and beat the hell out of the captain from Titanic and make one of the workers, this cute chick named Claire played by Rebecca Hall. James is a fucking lunatic and decides to take her hostage and drop her off on a beach and take her ID to let her know they will kill her if she talks to the cops. James tells Doug that he will handle her but Doug is like “You’re two wings short of a three piece meal. I’ll talk to her.”

He totally wasn't aiming a gun at her a few days ago.

They head to this bar to celebrate and the town cooze Krista played by Blake Lively meets up with them and ends up heading to James’ house. He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and doesn’t want to deal with her nonsense. She don’t care and pulls her draws down, rides him, and leaves. Do these girls exist?! Like, in the really real world?! I mean, like, in a drug free version. I don’t know what it says about me but I only find Lively and Olivia Wilde as a crack whore and stripper.

Babbling Old Man: Braindead aka Dead Alive

Sometimes when I watch a certain movie, hear a particular song, or see a sun bleached hobo walking down the street I want to know what combination of drugs and liquor made their situation happen. This movie Braindead aka Dead Alive made me wonder this. Beast Man who wants to be known as Beast Master recommended this movie because I’m guessing he is still in the middle of a fever dream and wanted me to watch a movie that has more blood and pus than a German porn.

Some archaeologist and a helper are carrying this box with a wild Sumatran Ray Monkey in it. No, that is not a real thing in case you’re wondering. Okay, let me say this for a second. Going based on movies, archaeologists do nothing but make the world more dangerous for us. They always find some shit that was made for nothing but evil and dig it up and release hell on Earth. Stop that. So these shamaroons run into this tribe and dude uses a machine gun two feet from these guys and hits none of them. He then runs off with the monkey in a box. It bites him and he gets his arms cut off and then his head. Then the monkey is sold. Yeah. That happened.

Stop It Tyler Perry

Oh, that Tyler Perry. A Lot of people are upset since he was cast in the latest Alex Cross based film. I’m not upset so much as I am annoyed. Perry’s face bothers me. Yes, I have seen his Madea films and they are funny to a point. Let me describe all the films for you. Madea acts crazy and violent, some girl is a hooker or a hooker addicted to drugs or a woman being beaten by her boyfriend/husband/pimp, meets Christian man, he likes her but she likes being punched, eventually she likes him. The end.

"Black people love me!"

Its hard to replace someone like Morgan Freeman. I mean, come on, he was God in a movie. He can narrate anything and make it interesting. If he called me while I was taking a shit and started describing its smell and texture I would tape it and it’d be a number one film. I’d call it “Apple Juice & Flaming Hot Cheeto’s: A Tale Of One Man’s Pain.” Boom.

Theater Whore: Argo

When I want historical accuracy I watch a documentary or jump into my time machine where I make George Washington cry by calling him “Termite Mouth.” When I want to be entertained I watch a good film and Argo was that film. Seriously. People are getting upset about changes made in this film compared to what actually happened. Go watch a cartoon and have a Pop Tart, you weirdoes. It’s a movie. They could’ve gave all the hostages kung fu powers if they felt like it. I saw this over at The Vista in Silverlake and it was my first time in that theater. It is very cool. Wish I had time to get popcorn…

In 1979, the best year ever, the U.S Embassy in Tehran is being protested because we have their former Shah and he is all nice and cozy after apparently doing a lot of horrible shit to the people of the country and they want him back. The US is like “Nope.” The people start rioting and they storm the embassy and the workers start burning everything and shredding documents. One of the guards is all “I’m gonna go talk to them…” and is instantly blindfolded and held at gunpoint. Six folks get away and hide with the Canadian representatives. One of the hostages is played by Clea Duvall who I now have a crush on all over again.

Ross Radio Show 127

Its Break Beat City in this episode. I play Skull Snaps It’s A New Day, The Winston’s Amen Brother, Funk Inc. Kool Is Back, Melvin Bliss Synthetic Substitution, James Brown Funky Drummer, The Outsider Lack Of Afro, Kool And The Gang N.T, Isley Brothers Footsteps In The Dark, Babe Ruth The Mexican, The Soul Searchers Ashley’s Roachclip, Orange Krush Action, The Honey Drippers Impeach The President, The Turtles I’m Chief Kamanawanalea, and Lafayette Afro Rock Band Hihache. Click here to download this and other Ross Radio Shows.

Gossip & Shit: October 17th 2012

Lindsay Lohan is feuding with her parents. After getting in a fight with her mom Dina and saying she was on crack and then getting mad at her dad Michael for releasing the phone call this mess of a woman has nowhere to turn. Someone should call a whambulance.  

Khloe Kardashian and Mario “A.C Slater” Lopez will be co-host on The X Factor. Why is this relevant? Because Slater was dreamy.

Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together. Yeah.

While in Miami with Kim Kardashian her current boyfriend Kanye West tried to snatch a photographer’s camera after she asked some dumb ass questions about Reggie Bush who used to date Kim...along with every other Black man but me. Her stupid ass is smiling the whole time as her boyfriend is once again doing shit he got in trouble for before.

Some freak that broke into Miley Cyrus’ home got sentenced to 18 months in jail. That’s the most he can get. He probably just wanted to let her know he disagreed with her new hairstyle.

DVDiculous: St. Trinian's

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Pippi Longsocking, Tank Girl, and that girl at the party that is ridiculously hot at a party but terrifyingly insane wanted to start a school…you’re in luck! St. Trinian’s is the school of your dreams. I mean, if your dreams involve a place that is full of sociopaths that look really good in school uniforms. As a dude this place would be awesome for about ten seconds because shortly after that you’d have things removed or damaged that you’d miss. I mean, I wouldn’t since I don’t use those parts.

This poor girl Annabelle arrives at this place brought by her father Carnaby played by Rupert Everett. She isn’t poor financially. I just felt bad for her because this place is friggin’ insane. She meets her aunt Camilla also played by Everett who runs the school and is just as crazy as everyone else in the film. A hot chick named Kelly Jones introduces her to the rest of the inmates at this asylum. The girls are in different cliques. There’s the posh totties, Chavs, emos, geeks, and worst of all the First Years!

"Bad Ass Mofo": Ron Perlman

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo will punch you right in the heart and smile while doing it. He’s cool as fuck and has a voice that is far Blacker than mine and I don’t even care. Ron Perlman is an awesome ass guy that if I were to come back in another life being his clone I’d be happy. Then I’d make a bunch of cool ass films where you’ll rarely ever see what my real face looks like. Perlman says that people made fun of him for being overweight and saying he looks like a monkey. “It was not a bad childhood but I had a perception of myself that was, I was terribly overweight as a young kid, and it was sort of a low self image.“ Now he’s a huge star and has a hot ass wife. If I were him I’d be dying to go to my high school reunion!

Furries. Oh, yeah...

Perlman is known for not looking like himself in a lot of films. He got popular from the televised Beauty & The Beast with Bad Mamma Jamma Linda Hamilton. He was also in The Island Of Dr. Moreau, Star Trek: Nemesis, and of course Hellboy! Oh, how I love the Hellboy movies! He has also done a lot of voiceover work for things like Teen Titans, Superman, and he was Clayface in Batman The Animated Series. I didn’t find that out until a few months ago and now its so obvious.

Babbling Old Man: Saturday Night Fever & Dirty Dancing

I finally watched the hottest new film Saturday Night Fever! Huh? It came out when?! Whaaaa…?! So yeah, I got to see this movie for the first time. With this movie I had seen so many spoofs and clips that it felt like I had seen it but it turns out that even what I thought was the premise turned out to be wrong. For one, John Travolta as Tony Manero was a total dick. He walked around with his pack of asshole friends making racist limericks and getting drunk, high, and banging random ass broads all the time. Its pretty much my life but in 1977.

Getting high and drunk in cars is cool...when you're 15.

So Tony is 19 and lives at home with his loud ass family. He has a brother that’s a priest that wants to quit and does much to the dismay of his mother and loser father. He spends his money on getting new clothes for the disco club and there’s this chick named Annette played by the mom from Out Of This World who wants Tony and is super desperate about it. Shit is not cute. She dances well with him and he tells her she will be his partner for the dance competition. Then he meets another girl and dumps Annette for her.

Theater Whore: Taken 2

After four years Liam Neeson is back with the number one comedy of the year, Taken 2! I’m joking but totally not at the same time. This movie had me cracking up laughing. I know it wasn’t supposed to but some of the stuff that happened reminded me of dumb shit from Transporter which made sense later when I found out that the director did Transporter 3 and friggin’ Colombiana. That guy loves live action Looney Tunes and if I had known that going in, I would’ve waited a while to watch this.

Neeson is once again Bryan Mills. This takes place a few years after the first movie so hopefully his daughter has gotten smarter. Oh, she is named Kim and played by Maggie Grace. She’s supposed to be a teenager I think but it doesn’t look like it. I’m getting ahead of myself. Some dude named Murad Hoxha who I don’t ever remember them saying in the movie wants Neeson killed for killing his son in the first film. His son was the one Neeson shocked to death. You remember him right?

Taken 2: Electric Bugaloo!

Yeah. Him. So his dad played by…uh the guy called Boris The Blade in Snatch vows revenge because Neeson killed his pedophile asshole son. “Oh, I know my son sold young girls into drugs and prostitution. But it’s the principal of the thing!” So he rounds up a bunch of other losers who didn’t die in the first film and they ride in a bunch of cars to find Neeson.

Theater Whore: Looper

I’ve been hearing people talk about this new movie Looper starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis and no one has said it was bad. I have heard that it was good to awesome so I decided to check it out. I learned that I really need to stop listening to people. More. This movie is about who will be referred to as Old Joe (Willis) and Young Joe (Gordon-Levitt) Simmons. It takes place around 2042 where Young Joe is a killer for the mob 30 years in the future. He shows up with his gun, a blunderbuss, victim appears in the middle of a field with silver plates as payment, and he shoots them. He then takes their body and burns it. 

You may be asking why go through all this trouble of dealing with a corpse. Well, in the future murdering people is illegal and so is time travel but mobsters don’t give a damn and use it. What confused me about these “Gat Men” as they are called, is that they just wander around with their fucking cannons without being arrested. Loopers have a 30 year contract meaning that after that amount of time their old self is sent back to be killed. They know and accept this. Usually. Young Joe’s telekinetic friend, I’ll get to that nonsense later, Seth played by Paul Dano has his older version sent back and cant kill him. Seth’s older version shows up and sings a song that Young Seth remembers his mother singing to him.

Paul Dano: When Shia LeBeouf is busy.

Old Seth tells him about a Rainmaker in the future. Old Seth gets away since their blunderbuss guns cant shoot well past fifteen feet. Young Seth runs to Young Joe’s house to hide. Young Joe sells him out and by the time Old Seth gets to a meeting place he falls the fuck apart. Whatever they do to the younger version of you effects the older you. First Old Seth’s arm has a scar that tells him where to go. Then his fingers start to vanish. Then his nose. Then his legs come off and his arms. Then he is shot as we see Young Seth being cut on a table. This was the best part of the movie.

Stop It Tyra Banks

Trolling the internets is a great way of finding stupid things to get upset about. I saw some article about Tyra Banks saying “Tyra Banks Shows Off Muffin Top!” So stupid me I click on the link and see the image posted and lost my fucking mind. Here’s the image that she used to describe what she called “…the juicy muffin top on my back!” 

Ugh. Such a fat pig.

I know what a real muffin top looks like! What she has in that picture is not it. Real muffin tops make my mouth water and my pants tighter.

Theater Whore: Butter

Heartwarming. Okay, I said it! This is a heartwarming movie! Its not often I see a film that is this enjoyable that doesn’t involve a lot of blood, drama, or sharp objects being hurled at people. This movie Butter managed to sneak past my Social Asperger’s and touch me in my heart and not bikini zone like most things I see. I saw a trailer for this a few weeks ago and it seemed interesting but not something I would suggest to friends. Turns out I was wrong.

This is two stories in one that meet because of butter competitions. Destiny is a young girl played by Yara Shahidi who recounts the different families she has stayed with because she is an orphan. They range from an elderly couple that died at the same time to a woman that had her pick up prescription medicine for her. This leads Destiny to think all White people are weird until she is adopted by Ethan and Jill Emmet played by Rob Corddry and Alicia Silverstone. One day Destiny asks them to buy her some butter and she begins sculpting.

In the other story there is butter sculpting making champion Bob Pickler played by Ty Burrell. He is asked to step down after winning for fifteen years in a row. He is reluctant to but does and his wife Laura played by Jennifer Garner is having none of it. She decides to compete herself much to everyone’s surprise.

Ross Radio Show 126

Nothing but songs about or close to boning. I play Cyndi Lauper She Bop, Frankie Goes To Hollywood Relax, Soft Cell Sex Dwarf, Romeo Void Never Say Never, Berlin Sex I’m A…, INXS Need You Tonight, Labelle’s Lady Marmalade, Ginuwine Pony, Silk Freak Me, R. Kelly Bump N Grind Remix, Jodeci Feenin’, and Donna Summer Love To Love You Baby. Click here to download this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

DVDiculous: Dark Knight Returns Part 1

A few weeks ago while trolling the internets I stumbled upon the fact that there was going to be a Batman: The Dark Knight Returns animated movie based off of Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same name. Not only that, but it was coming out very soon! The first thing I noticed, and was very happy about, was that the art style was not based exactly on Miller’s style. Don’t get me wrong. I like his art…sometimes. And don’t get me started on how terrible the Dark Knight Strikes Again story, art, and coloring was. Sheesh…

This movie starts off with Bruce Wayne in a race car pushing it past its limits before it explodes and he ejects. Bruce, now at 55 years old, meets up with Commissioner James Gordon who is also retiring from his job. Gordon hopes that Bruce really stays retired and brings up a sore spot when he mentions Jason Todd, the Robin that was killed by The Joker years prior. Bruce leaves and wanders to Crime Alley where his parents were murdered and is confronted by The Mutants, a gang that now runs the streets doing every violent thing you can imagine.

Bruce sits at home watching the news and how violent his city is getting. He begins to have nightmares and ends up walking into the Batcave. Alfred tells Bruce that he set off the alarms and asks him when he shaved his mustache. Bruce touches his face as if shocked that it is indeed gone. Know why? Because Batman ain’t got no mustache! Bruce ends up suiting up as Batman as Harvey Dent aka Two Face is released after getting surgery to look normal again. He immediately plots to blow up two buildings. Batman stops him and sees that Dent is damaged mentally beyond repair.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Cliff Curtis

Actor Cliff Curtis was born Clifford Vivian Devon Curtis in New Zealand. I dare you to make fun of the fact that Vivian is one of his middle names. Go ahead. Oh, I didn’t tell you that he was of Māori descent? If you don’t know what that is, its pretty much our version of Samoans. You never fuck with Samoans. Māori are like Samoans times four. So don’t make fun of his name. Cliff Curtis is this weeks Bad Ass Mofo.

The first time I ever saw him I thought he looked interesting but thought he was some form of Middle Eastern. Turns out I was wrong and that he plays almost every other race in films. Iraqi, Russian, Columbian, and Latino. And this guy pulls it off every single fucking time!

Theater Whore: Resident Evil Retribution

Have you ever watched a Resident Evil movie? Well, let me give you a crash course. Little story, lots of killing, main star survives, ends badly. That is how each and every one of these films goes. The latest, Resident Evil: Retribution, is no different. It stars Milla Jovovich who is back as Alice, the genetically engineered fighting machine that had her bionic-ness removed but still manages to do shit that would make The Wachowski’s say “Okay, come on, really?” The first few minutes are done in reverse where you see a bunch of folks being killed and Alice fighting back before being blown off a ship. Then you see it happen in real time which seems kinda pointless.

Cold. Naked. Alone. Yep. Must be Resident Evil.

She wakes in bed with her husband and daughter before being attacked by zombies. Then they bump into Michelle Rodriguez who died in the first film. She then wakes up wearing napkins because fuck you its Milla Jovovich and we gots to see the goods! She gets tortured with some dubstep music by her old friend Jill before the computer is shut down and Alice is given a cool outfit to wear and a door opens that allows her to escape.

Hooooly shiiiiiiit!!!

In the hallways that damned laser grid chases her and she gets away. She heads outside and is in Japan all of a sudden where zombies start eating folks before turning to her. She runs back inside and kills the zombies.

Government issues Spandex FTW!

She finds this hot Asian dame named Ada Wong who used to be bad that and Wesker who has been the enemy for a while. They tell her that The Red Queen is back. She’s that evil English girl. You know the “You’re all going to die down here” girl? Her. A group of guys who I will refer to as Team Eye Candy show up and are going to take an elevator down and help Alice and Ada escape. Kevin Durand is one of them and that dude is awesome. I want to see a movie where him and Karl Urban are brothers that just punch people in the face.

Neither of these outfits seem battle tested.

Anyhoot, Alice and Ada battle these fucking giants in fake New York which is just a little bit less scary than real New York. They then head to the same street Alice was on when she was dreaming and find her daughter. Ada’s like “Uh, she isn’t real, you know” and Alice is all “She is to me!”

Mmm...

They drag fake little girl along because Paul W.S Anderson is a fan of Aliens and wants his own Newt. Then they are attacked by Jill who has all of Alice’s former teammates including…Michelle Rodriguez? Ada gets caught.