Remember When: Lindsay Lohan Was Hot?

Fap Of The Year 2012: Sofia Vergara

2012 will go down as the year that the Fap Files took a dramatic hit. Hell, the Spank Bank was damn near depleted this year. So many women either messed with their faces, got pregnant, and forcibly removed themselves from the list by getting married. But one woman stayed fapable despite having a 20 year old son, being 40, being engaged, and hard to understand unless I pay attention. Sofia Vergara is the Fap Of The Year!

Last years winner Rosario Dawson disappeared from the public after winning the award and I searched high and low for this one. Looking at the files I compiled this year, only four, makes me and my junk sad. Vergara’s been busy with a hit series, being on her son’s reality show, being the face of Covergirl, starring in Pepsi commercials, and starting a clothing line for soccer mom’s for K-Mart that makes soccer mom’s wish they looked like her.

Worst Movies Of 2012 According To Dante

Every year it happens. You go to see a movie and all you want to do is shove popcorn in your ears and throw salt in your eyes so that you no longer have to endure such pain as seeing a terrible ass film. If there’s one thing I cant stand its hot chicks that hate my face. And bad movies. Man, do I hate a bad movie.

This year there seemed to be more “Meh…” films than bad ones but when they were bad, by god, they made sure that they were bad on multiple levels. Funny enough, the worst films were the ones with the biggest budgets. If you wanna see my list of Best Movies Of 2012 click all up in this sentence.

Theater Whore: Jack Reacher

Last night East and I went to check out Jack Reacher. East wasn’t all that excited after seeing the trailer and I wanted to see it but wasn’t dying to until I heard a review saying how there’s more to it than the trailer showed. I had fallen into the trailer trap plenty of times and ended up missing out on really good films because of the bad trailer. So after some convincing we headed to The Cineramadome which is connected to The Arclight and checked it out.

I hadn’t been in this portion of the theater I think since Spiderman 2. It had been years. I miss this theater. We sat up high in row Q and started the movie. It begins with a guy getting ready to shoot folks in Pittsburgh  People in the theater were feeling way uncomfortable but not me because I know the difference between a trained sniper and some asshole that likes to shoot schools. So this guy picks off five people and drives off. A guy is caught and arrested and as he is being interviewed writes down “Get Jack Reacher.”

Best Movies Of 2012 According To Dante

I have watched 46 films this year not including things I watched on DVD that I missed in theaters which is by far the most I’ve ever seen especially when I remember that at the end of 2011 I was looking forward to only three movies coming out (click here to see what I loved last year). This was a year of really surprisingly good films across the board ranging from really big budget films to very small ones to films with massive budgets that were just terrible nonsense.

This list isn’t going to be in any particular order. Just the ones I felt were the best and the worst to me. I know that my taste in films is…different. Some of you have seen some of these and will disagree with me in which case you can write your list on your blog or write to me and I will raise my left eyebrow and take a deep breath as I figure out a polite way to let you know that your opinion doesn’t count. I’m kidding. But totally not.

Gossip & Shit: December 22nd 2012

Ashton Kutcher has finally filed for divorce from Demi Moore. So soon? I think people forget that the reason they’re divorcing is because he banged some chicks in a Vegas hotel. He is currently dating Mila Kunis and Demi was last seen dancing badly with Lenny Kravitz.

Its being reported that Lindsay Lohan refused to kiss Charlie Sheen for a scene in the Scary Movie 5 series. Ew. If I were him I would’ve been like “Ditto!” Who knows where her mouth has been? The answer: Everyone.

Drew Barrymore had a kid?! When did that happen?! And she’s married?! I swear I almost dropped my monocle.

Madonna threatened to stop performing for fans at a sound check stating “You don't care about me? I don’t care about you. All right? Are we going to play that game? I'm not kidding. I can't sing if you smoke. Entiendes? You're looking right at me and smoking cigarettes, like I'm a stupid fucking idiot.” Moments later everyone including young children started lighting up anything that produced smoke. Remember when Madonna was hot? And interesting? And not creepy looking?

Gossip & Shit: December 20th 2012

Rapper Fat Joe was arrested for owing $700 grand to the IRS. A rapper not paying his taxes?! That’s impossible!

Charlie Sheen’s second ex-wife Brooke Mueller is out of rehab…for the 19th time.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again! She just had a baby, like, a month ago right? And what becomes of her deal with Weight Watchers?! These are the types of questions that keep me awake at night.

Zooey Deschanel is officially divorced. So those of you that like fake nerdy chicks with creepy blue eyes can set your boners on the starting line.

Conrad Murray who helped kill Michael Jackson still wants out of jail. He’s been locked up for about 13 months and says that since he has a kid here in LA he isn’t a flight risk because we all know parents never abandon their children. That kinda thing hasn’t happened in hundreds of years!

Ross Radio Show 135

I’m feeling like a thug today…homie. I play some Dr. Dre Nuthin' But A G Thang, Warren G Regulate, Tupac Holler If Ya Hear Me, Snoop Dogg & Dr. Dre The Next Episode, WC And The Maad Circle ft. J Dee & MC Eiht You Don't Work U Don’t Eat, Mack 10 Foe Life, Volume 10 Pistol Grip Pump, and Ice Cube My Summer Vacation. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Brigitte Nielsen

If you were a little girl and someone showed you pictures and said “When you grow up you will date or marry Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Flava Flav!” you would have run to the hills screaming. But not this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma Brigitte Nielsen. Even when I was a little kid I recognized this woman's hotness from Red Sonja. Hell, in the video game Golden Axe I used to call the female character by her name. Yes, I was pervin' even at that young an age. Don't judge me.

I've got something long and hard for her. My sword. I own one as well. Pervs. 

Brigitte was born Gitte Nielsen in Rødovre, Denmark. Where is that? I don't know. I'm not a gynecologist. But it sounds fancy. Like something you'd eat at a place that you know you cant afford and end up having to wash the dishes when you try to skip out on the bill. At 6 foot 1...dear lord. She's my height. Anyhoot, at her height she began modeling before starring in Cobra and Rocky 4 which was the best Rocky I don't care what anyone says. She then starred in Beverly Hills Cop 2 and posed for Playboy.

Theater Whore: Flight

Denzel Washington is a national treasure. Seriously, this guy is just a ridiculously amazing actor. In his latest movie Flight the trailer made it look like this crazy action flick about a plane that is gonna crash and has to flip upside down to survive. That was pretty much all I knew about it and it wasn't enough to seriously make me wanna see it. I did want to but I wasn't dying to. Then Cam called and said “Is it too early to see a movie?” and I said it was not. So we headed to The Grove for a 10:30am showing.

Denzel stars as William “Whip” Whitaker who is a pilot. But before all that the movie starts off with a shot of a nipple. Not his thankfully. He wakes up and starts fighting with his ex wife over paying for their son's private school. He then finishes off his beer and does a line of coke. Next shot is this son of a bitch walking to the plane to pilot it. Oh, and the chick he was banging is a stewardess named Katerina. She is hot.

The Rant Zone Show 18

In this episode I talk about Rise Of The Guardians, cover the Top 12 movies of the weekend, perv on Nadine Velazquez, talk about Get The Gringo, Flight, and threatened by Bane. Click here to download this and previous Rant Zone Shows!

"Bad Ass Mofo": Clifton Collins Jr.

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo is one of those actors that you’ve seen dozens of times and probably didn’t know it was the same guy. He can go from doing the most dramatic movie to popping up and making you go “Wait, what the hell?” Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Clifton Collins Jr.!

Born in Los Angeles, CA (whoop whoop!) he is the descendant of actor Pedro Gonzalez-Gonzalez. Like his grandson even if you don’t know his name you know his face. Clifton has appeared in films that I saw years ago and didn’t even realize it was him like Stoned Age, Menace II Society, Poetic Justice, Dead Presidents, The Replacement Killers, Tigerland, Traffic, Rules Of Attraction…want me to keep going? The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit, Crank: High Voltage, and Star Trek a few years ago. This guy keeps busy!

Ross Radio Show 134

I think people forget just how good a group New Edition was so I felt the need to remind them. I play Candy Girl, Mr. Telephone Man, If It Isn’t Love, Can You Stand The Rain, NE Heartbreak, Ralph Tresvant Money Cant Buy You Love, Bobby Brown Rock Wit’cha, Johnny Gill Fairweather Friend, Bell Biv Devoe Do Me, New Edition Hit Me Off, and Cool It Now. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

DVDiculous: Get The Gringo

I know how we all…well, most of us, feel about Mel Gibson. If he met me he’d probably smile but on the inside hope that me and a bunch of guys that looked like me would rape his baby mama to teach her a lesson for wearing tight pants. Or he would call me sugar tits. Either way his reputation has been rather fucked for quite some time. There are certain actors where their outside life will effect the way I enjoy a film with them. Like from now on if I see Michael Fassbender in a movie all I’m thinking is “Magneto has a giant penis. And that’s not fair.”  

Get The Gringo also known as How I Spent My Summer Vacation starts off with a crazy ass car chase with two guys running from cops and border patrol. They are dressed as clowns and one of them has been shot. Gibson known throughout the film as Driver is pissed that the guy in back is bleeding all over the money. He ends up crashing through the Mexican border.

Theater Whore: Rise Of The Guardians

Let me start off by saying that I loved this movie. I really did. There have been few things that had such an emotional impact on me. To name a few there was An American Tail, Antwone Fisher, John Q., and watching Eddie Guerrero tributes on Youtube. I didn’t expect this movie to be as good as it was and it was a super surprise to me. Okay. Now that that’s out of the way lets begin.

This is about Jack Frost who is pretty much the ignored spirit of the holidays. He’s hanging out in a small town helping some kids have fun by creating a snow day for them. He feels unappreciated by everyone and asks The Man In The Moon aka Sky Jesus to help him out and gets no answer. At the North Pole Santa Claus senses that something is wrong and calls all the guardians together including Frost who is confused since he doesn’t consider himself one of them.

The Rant Zone Show 17

In this episode of The Rant Zone I debut a new intro, cover the Top 12 of the box office, review Twilight, geek out over Game Of Thrones, and am harassed by Bane about my genitalia. Click here for this and previous Rant Zone Shows.

Ross Radio Show 133

In this episode I play some old school hip hop. Kwame The Man We All Know And Love, The UMC’s Blue Cheese, The Afros Feel It, A Tribe Called Quest Check The Rhime, Twin Hype Do It To The Crowd, De La Soul The Magic Number, Nice & Smooth Sometimes I Rhyme Slow, and Leaders Of The New School The International Zone Coaster. Click here for this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

Fap Files: Older Women

Ever since I was a young boy I had a thing for older women. If you are between the age of 38 and 50 chances are we would get along great. It never helped that I never went through a “Ew, girls!” phase. My poor teacher Ms. Stewart didn’t stand a chance with my pervy little ass. I was recently watching a movie and saw an actress and said “I’d totally wreck her old ass.” And that inspired this weeks Fap File. Also, I am fully aware that I have not posted enough of these this year so it will now be a weekly thing to keep me on track. For a few weeks.

Gossip & Shit: November 27th 2012

A third guy has come out to say that Kevin Clash the voice of Elmo got busy with him. He is accused of getting the guy, a teen at the time, drunk, groomed, and fingered. Wow. Groomed. That is pretty nice.

A woman is suing Justin Bieber for her hearing loss. She wants $9.23 million. Look. You need to have your hearing taken away for going to his concert in the first place. You obviously don’t respect your ears.  

Charlie Sheen is said to have given Lindsay Lohan $100,000 to help pay off her taxes. Wait. What?! He also gave a few hundred thousand to various charities as well.

Jessica Simpson has lost 60 pounds after giving birth. She now looks like a thinner version of a chick I wouldn’t bang. Seriously. How am I single?!

Theater Whore: Wreck It Ralph

It takes something special for me to watch a CGI film. I love hand drawn cartoons and miss them like crazy and semi rage against these new films that take three years or something to make because the hair has to look real, damn it! The last computerized films I liked a lot were The Incredibles and How To Train Your Dragon. So when I saw the trailer for Wreck-It Ralph what got me interested was the fact that it was filled with old school game characters that I knew.

This movie is about a character named Ralph that wrecks things in a game called Fix-It Felix Jr. Ralph breaks things, Felix fixes them, Ralph gets tossed off the building, repeat. Ralph wants to be friends with the neighbors but since he’s the bad guy they don’t want any part of him. At his bad guy support group they worry that Ralph may be going “Turbo” which is a term I will using in my vocabulary from now on. We find out what it means later.

Ralph tries to go to a party thrown by the neighbors and Felix when they tell him that he’s a bad guy and will always be one. The only way for him to become a good guy is to win a medal which he cant do in his own game so he abandons it. All of the video games are in an arcade and when kids aren’t playing them at night they cross to each others games. Ralph finds out about a game called Hero’s Duty where you climb a building and get a medal and jumps into that game.

Gossip & Shit: November 23rd 2012

Woman puncher Chris Brown and punch taker Rihanna were partying together in Germany because fuck being smart.

Boxing legend Hector “Macho” Camacho has been taken off life support after his family was split on the decision to do it or not. Dude was an amazing boxer I watched growing up and its sad his life had to turn out this way with him being shot several times in the neck and face in Puerto Rico.

I’m gonna need a whole ‘nother blog just for Lohan news. Lindsay’s new film Liz & Dick has been panned by almost every critic who has seen it which means I absolutely have to find a way to watch it. Her dad Michael found out he has another 17 year old daughter months after having another kid with his woman who had a restraining order against him. Lindsay wants nothing to do with any of them. Oh, families are special. Oh, and Lindsay may have her probation revoked after lying to cops after her car accident where she said she wasn‘t driving. Which car accident? The one here in California. Not the other ones.

Mary-Kate Olsen has a boyfriend…who is 42. Ew!!!

Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Oh my god so many beheadings! This movie should have been called Twilight: Breaking Necks Part 2! This was by far the most violent of the series. Fuck that. One of the most violent films to come out in the last few years. This movie was more violent than Wolverine. Read that again at least four times and try to make sense of it. You cant! I have already mentioned that I have seen all these films and did not super hate them. This film takes place right after Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1. If you recall Kristen Stewart, who I cant stand, had a baby and became a vampire.

So Bella wakes up and Edward is watching her like a total creepazoid and she bolts across the room and starts molesting her face. He tells her that she is stronger than him right now and that before she goes to see the baby, Renesmee, that she needs to feed. They go out hunting and she is gonna snatch a deer when she spots a hiker. She fights the urge to chomp his ass and kills a mountain lion instead. Then she heads back to the house and starts to kick Jacob’s ass because he is imprinted on her daughter. Who is only a couple weeks old. Yeah.

No fuck the baby!

Alice leaves the family after having a terrible vision and then a vampire that left the family, Irina, sees Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee, who is aging fast as hell, strolling and is all like “Ooh, I’m telling’!” and runs back to the Volturi. They are the old weird vampires that popped up in the other films. Irina says that they have made a child vampire which is bad. I shit you not there’s a scene where Dakota Fanning tosses a toddler into fire like it was a bag of chips. I laughed knowing I shouldn’t have. Now the Volturi are heading to the Cullen family to start some shit.

Ross Radio Show 132

In this episode of Ross Radio I play some remixes of classic Motown songs. Jackson 5 I Want You Back, Eddie Hendricks Keep On Truckin’, Undisputed Truth Smiling Faces, Marvin Gaye Let’s Get It On, Rick James Mary Jane, and Stevie Wonder Signed Sealed Delivered. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Theater Whore: A Royal Affair

Once again I went to the Sundance Theater up on Sunset. Me and Cam had been meaning to see a movie for a while and she keeps up on all the classy films that get awards unlike me who wants to see things based on how many explosions are in the trailer. Our choices were Flight and A Royal Affair and after watching the trailer for Flight I feel like I’ve seen the film so we chose the latter. So glad that we did since this was really good. I normally hate movies based around time periods where people wore way too many layers.

Too much!

A young girl, Caroline Mathilde, is heading to Denmark to become the new queen of King Christian VII. She has never met him and has heard all these stories of how cultured and handsome he is. She gets there and dude is hiding behind a tree acting like a total weirdo. And by weirdo I mean lunatic. He hates that everyone thinks she is so damned artsy when he is the real talented one. Caroline spends most of her time looking sad even after she has her first kid.

Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!

Elsewhere this guy Johann Friedrich Struensee, who I will just call Ze German from now on because fuck typing that name repeatedly, is brought in as part of a plan to influence this crazy ass king. The king likes him because he knows Shakespeare and everything gets better. The king stops acting as crazy. Yay.

Babbling Old Man: Bio Zombie

Beast Man and H. recommended that I watch this movie from the late 90’s made in China called Bio Zombie. Its about these two losers named Woody Invincible who is the smarter one I guess and Crazy Bee. They hang out at the mall fucking with different people when they’re not at work at the video store. Elsewhere these government agents are buying chemicals to make bio monsters for…I don’t know why they’re doing it. It’s a terrible idea.

Woody and Crazy Bee end up hitting an agent that has the chemicals and he asks for a soda, which the chemical looks like, and they give it to him and toss him in the trunk. He later gets out and starts turning everyone into zombies including the nice guy who likes this chick Rolls who was attacked by Woody and Crazy Bee when they stole her ring for cash.

"It's just a flesh wound..."

As they are in the mall stuck and gathering more people to try and get out it made me think of all my friends and people that think they’re my friends and how they would react in a zombie situation. The outlook was not good. I have friends that are afraid of bugs let alone bloodthirsty creatures. So there’s the two guys, two chicks, and a couple where the guy is a total dick to his wife. I wanted him to die so damned bad! They arm up and get ready to fight. They show these funny gaming type montages of each character and their skill level.

Theater Whore: The Man With The Iron Fists

The entry for the premise of The Man With The Iron Fists says “On the hunt for a fabled treasure of gold, a band of warriors, assassins, and a rogue British soldier descend upon a village in feudal China, where a humble blacksmith looks to defend himself and his fellow villagers.” This is a super lie. This is the tale of a man that wanted to see a movie about a man with iron fists and ended up watching a jumbled batch of nonsense about a guy that not only watches but helps a lot of terrible shit happen.

RZA wrote, directed, and starred in this movie. He shouldn’t have done any of these things. He’s a blacksmith in a small Chinese village where these multiple clans are fighting for gold and control. He makes weapons for both sides meanwhile he just wants to save enough money so he and his hooker girlfriend can move away and fuck in the forest in peace. It made me wonder “Is there such a place where you can be left alone?” I don’t think so. Just when you think you’re safe some asshole will jump out of a tree wearing wolf claws that were probably made by you.

DVDiculous: The Campaign

I finally decided to watch The Campaign after allowing my hatred of Casa De Mi Padre die down. You see, I like Will Ferrell. He’s a funny guy to me and I will watch almost anything with him in it. Zach Galifianakis on the other hand I can only take in very small doses. This movie has some parts that had me crack up laughing and others where I wished they would hurry up and start punching more babies. Yes, that happened in this movie. That baby got rocked! Ferrell plays Cam Brady who is running for Congress in North Carolina’s 14th District. He has won four times in a row and no one even goes up against him. He’s a total dick who sleeps around with any woman that looks at him. Oh, and he is married with two children as does Huggins.

After accidentally sending a voice message to thousands of homes instead of the woman he is sleeping with the Motch brothers played by John Lithgow and Dan Aykroyd decide to use a former Congressman’s son Marty Huggins to accomplish their goals of moving sweatshops from China to North Carolina to save on shipping costs.

They assign Tim Wattley played by Dylan McDermott to give Huggins a makeover. They get rid of their pugs because they’re Chinese and give them two Labradors. They give his wife a haircut and completely change the house. Wattley is one the best parts of the movie. He is a fucking lunatic. There's a scene where he catches the family having fun and has to shut that shit down.

Ross Radio Show 131

This is a four for four episode! The Gap Band You Dropped A Bomb On Me, Yearning For Your Love, Outstanding, and Early In The Morning. Earth Wind & Fire Fantasy, September, The Reasons, and That’s The Way Of The World. Marvin Gaye This Loved Starved Heart Of Mine, Sexual Healing, Inner City Blues, and Got To Give It Up. Rick James Dance Wit Me, Bustin’ Out, Super Freak, and Give It To Me Baby. Click here to download this and previous Ross Radio Shows.

Theater Whore: Skyfall

Dern dern! Dern-dern-dern! In case you didn’t know, that’s the sound of the James Bond theme when written. So I watched the latest Bond film Skyfall. I’ve enjoyed each of the previous Daniel Craig Bond films like Quantum Of Solace and Casino Royale. They were both really cool and entertaining except for that one scene where he gets his nuts slapped. That’s never cool. Skyfall wasn’t all that good. It starts off with a really cool chase in Turkey which is where Taken 2 took place and going based off that film you can do whatever the hell you want. Its like Vegas with more dirt and explosions.

If you're not sure you should take the shot...don't.

Bond and a field agent named Eve are chasing this dude that has a list of all the undercover agents working in terrorist groups. They fight on a train which leads to a crane being used to more fighting and Bond being shot by Eve on accident. He falls into the water and is presumed dead.

TV Slut: Mockingbird Lane

I’ve pointed out many times that I will openly complain about things without watching them. I decided last night to watch Mockingbird Lane after being super bothered just by the images and the small details I heard about it. They have it on NBC’s website to watch. Without commercials it had a running time of 40 minutes but they managed to make it feel like an hour and a half. That’s not a compliment.

I talked to The Munky about this show because she watched it when it aired. She said that this could’ve just been a whole new show without calling the characters Munster’s and it was true. This could’ve just been a new series that was just bad with a different title. Was the show funny? No. I didn’t laugh at anything. Was it scary? No. Everything that was supposed to be creepy wasn’t and the jumpscares were being sent by carrier pigeon. Was it dramatic? Not really. This show just…happened.