Gossip & Shit November 30th 2011

Kim Kardashian is still trying to convince the world that she was really in love with Kris Humphries. He allegedly wants her to pay for his lawyer fees. Oh, that would rule so much ass if it happened. He's all like "Fuck you, pay me!" and she's like "No..."

Comedian Patrice O’Neal recently passed away. If you don’t know him check out his standup. He was one of the funniest of all time.

Mariah Yeater who claimed she was knocked up by Justin Bieber is pissed that the actual father, her ex boyfriend, blew the whistle on her dumb ass and is about to get that long paper from doing interviews.

Charlie Sheen is in talks to star in a movie with Nic Cage. God help us all…

"Reel Talk": Rifleman

"Fighting Words!": New Girl

As friends of mine and readers of my blogs know I wont hesitate to make an uninformed decision. I will hate anything without seeing, hearing, or knowing exactly what it is. Usually screaming “Its science!” is enough for me to believe that I’ve won any discussion. But I decided to try and give a show a chance that I knew just from the billboards and commercials would suck ass. New Girl starring Zooey Deschanel on Fox was watched and hated by me. I didn’t even wanna watch it! My friend was over and she convinced me to give this shit a chance. I did and I want that time back. Every goddamn second of it. The thing that pissed me off after watching it was that my friend said “That wasn’t funny…” to which I asked “Then why did you make me watch it?!” which she replied with a light shrug.

FAP FILES: Trish Stratus

This weeks Fap File entry is former wrestler and current yoga goddess Trish Stratus. She started wrestling years ago and at the start wasn’t very good. I mean, compared to chick wrestlers nowadays she was putting on five star matches every week. Over time she got better to the point where her stuff was better than the dudes at the time. What the hell am I doing talking about wrestling for? This is about fapability! And Miss Stratus is quite fapable. I'm still not sure if I prefer her with blond hair or dark brown hair. Like it matters! See, you look at this picture and think its just for a photo shoot. Nope. She wears sexy ass outfits all the time. I mean yoga pants are the best thing since girls wearing pants that fall down and show their asscrack. God. That seriously is the best thing ever.

Insert Coin: Super Smash Bros.

“Eight characters are playable from the beginning of the game: Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, and Pikachu. Four more characters can then be unlocked by completing different aspects of the game: Luigi, Captain Falcon, Ness and Jigglypuff.”

You know why I loved this game so much? Captain Falcon. He is one of the few characters in this game that doesn’t shoot something but its not like he even needs to. One Falcon Punch or Falcon Kick followed by “Yes!” and you’re good to go. Super Smash Brothers on the Nintendo 64 was/is one of my favorite games to play. Yeah, I still own and play this game every month or so. If I’m feeling extra speecy spicy I’ll put it on extra hard and then get mad when I have to fight Yoshi Team. Those guys are assholes. You have to beat twenty of these jerks and the whole time they make those annoying Yoshi sounds. So there’s nothing better than killing three of them at a time.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Summer Glau

“I came to act because I wanted to do lovely period dramas. Very Jane Austen. But I guess I have become more of an action girl. I have no complaints!” Summer Glau

The crazy thing about this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is that when I first saw her I didn’t think much of her. Summer Glau grew on me over time. She is almost the opposite of everything I want for a Fap File but for a BMJ she is the perfect candidate. My exposure to her was from this awesome show that quickly jumped the shark called The 4400. I was like “This chick looks weird. But not…” Little did I know that she was already on the short lived Fox series Firefly. This was the first in a pattern where she would appear in shows that got canned fast.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Dolph Lundgren

“My problem is that people get intimidated by someone big and beautiful like me. They hate to think I can be smart as well.” Dolph Lundgren

Not only is Dolph Lundgren the Bad Ass Mofo of the week, but he is humble as well. You don’t like that quote? I dare you to tell him that. I wont because I value having a face. I became a fan of his when I was little and saw Rocky 4. In it he plays Ivan Drago who is not only Russian, he is Super Russian. He’s so Russian that other Russians were like “Hey, tone it down a bit.” Then he punched the country in the face and ended Communism. That may or may not have happened. My history books were written in crayon. I was about 6 years old at the time so this made an impression on me. I thought that not only all Russians were like this guy, but all White people.

Gossip & Shit November 26th 2011

Jennifer Lopez and her new toy Casper Smart were photographed getting all snuggly. Wait. Is his name actually Casper? Parents can be so mean.

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still dating. Penises are being flown at a tentative half staff since he is a total manwhore and will dump her any moment now.

Britney Spears may be getting married again. Stop that. I don’t know who I’m asking but someone needs to stop this.

Miley Cyrus is supporting Occupy Wallstreet. Another reason to hate both. Apparently she made a song which is probably cool because once they play it people will go away.

Theater Whore: Tangled

Last night I watched the 2010 movie Tangled for the first time. Some of my friends know that I am a hater of technology, specifically computers that have replaced people putting pencil to paper and drawing by hand. The last CGI movie I thoroughly enjoyed was The Incredibles. Damn, that was good. So I was hesitant to watch tangled, especially since Disney has been putting out pretty crap films for years now. I decided to give this a try though. So glad I did.

"Reel Talk": I Love Lucy

"Reel Talk": Leave It To Beaver

"Reel Talk": Mr. Ed

Gossip & Shit November 22nd 2011

The crazy Mariah Yeater broad that said (past tense) that Justin Bieber was her baby’s daddy is in hiding after he ponied up his DNA for the paternity test. How long till that same DNA is on Ebay?

Wesley Snipes owes American Express almost $30,000. “Wait your turn!” the IRS said.

Mila Kunis went to the Marine Ball as she promised. Now can we stop with this asking celebrities out bullshit?! Yeah, I get it, you’re in the military and blah blah blah. But stop. Betty White of all people has been the only one to say no. But that was because the dude was a Blacker.

I knew I’d get the Lohan name on here somehow. Kate Major, the goofy dame who dated Michael Lohan, has checked herself into rehab. Then she’ll probably relapse and try to get on one of Dr. Drew’s hundred shows. “You’re probably right…” Common Sense said.

FAP FILES: Hot Daughters Of Celebrities

In my never ending quest to ensure I get to cut in line when I arrive in Hell, I decided to make a list of the Hot Daughters Of Celebrities. There were way more to find than I thought there would be. Some really unattractive actors have really cute daughters. A few that didn’t quite make my list were Liv Tyler, Mick Jagger’s daughter, and Clint Eastwood’s daughter. But I still have more than enough fap leftover. This Fap File is one for the ages.

Bria Murphy. This is the daughter of the used to be funny Eddie Murphy. I didn’t know that this girl existed until a few weeks ago. Turns out her mom is hot too. I have to give credit to Murphy for being able to pick hot chicks. And weak genes. Because this poor girl could’ve easily turned out looking like Charlie Murphy in a wig. She recently did a photo shoot for Maxim and Vibe Magazine where she looks the business! I give those titties four thumbs up! If you get that reference you win the internets for the day. I have no idea what she does for a living or whether or not she has a talent besides looking hot. She’s a hot chick so its not like she needs talent. I'm sure someone out there just said "That's not true!" to which I say "Tell me what the weather is like on Neptune when you finish riding your talking green pony."

Insert Coin: Dig Dug

“The objective of Dig Dug is to eliminate underground-dwelling monsters by inflating them until they pop, or by dropping rocks on them. There are two kinds of enemies in the game. Pookas, round red monsters who wear yellow goggles, and Fygars, green dragons who can breathe fire. The player's character is Dig Dug, dressed in white and blue, and able to dig tunnels through destructible environments. Dig Dug is killed if he is caught by either Pooka or Fygar, burned by a Fygar's fire, or crushed by a rock. If left partially inflated, the monster will deflate and recover after a few seconds, and the player can also pass through the enemy while it is deflating.”

Pump. Pump, pump it up!

I can imagine what the War Room for this mission sounded like. “Dig Dug, there are dangerous monsters in gaudy jumpsuits and fire breathing dragons digging tunnels and its up to you to stop them! Huh? Your weapons? Here you go. Yes, that is a inflator. Use it? Well, you shoot it with a harpoon and then pump your chubby little arms until it explodes.” Dig Dug had to have written a will as soon as he got this deal. If I were him I would’ve been like “So let me get this straight. I have to fight monsters underground and the only thing I have to fight them with is something used to fix tires? And I don’t see anyone else here so I think its safe to assume that I’ll be doing this alone.” Its just you in your punk ass tracksuit fighting Cthulhu in the deepest parts of the planet.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Gina Carano

“When I first came into this sport I was looking around for somebody who had come in before me and had paved the way, and I just didn’t see it at that time. I figured I would do it how I wanted to do it.” Gina Carano

You ever want to bone someone but the fear of being cock punched kept you from speaking to a woman? I do. All the time. But specifically with this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma Gina Carano. She is a MMA (mixed martial arts not monkeys munching apples) fighter and could kill you twice before you hit the ground. Even when she is fighting and has her hair all prison style she still looks hot. There’s only three fighters that are fuckable and I only know two of their names. She looks better than the ring girls. My dick is shoot afraid of her. If she even looked at me sideways I would have two belly buttons.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Bruce Campbell

“Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up. See this? This…is my boomstick!!!” Ash Army Of Darkness

This weeks Bad Ass Mofo has the distinguished record of being the only actor whose autobiography I purchased because I actually gave a damn about their life enough to read about it. Bruce Campbell is one of the best people on the planet and I’m not afraid to say it. Hell, I’d scream it from the mountain if I didn’t hate nature! He has been a BAM for over three decades and manages to get cooler the older he gets. Known as The Chin because he has amazing arms Campbell has lent his talents to movies, TV, cartoons, and animation. He is also known as one of the best reverse actors, something I didn’t even know existed until writing this.

The Rant Zone Show 11

In this Rant Zone I cover this weekends Top 10 Movies at the box office, Abduction, Batman: Year One, Immortals, a movie being made from the video game Rampage, a Six Million Dollar Man movie, Sharon Stone in Lovelace, the new Akira movie, a Woody Woodpecker movie, and a live action Popeye. Click here to get your rant on!

Babbling Old Man: Chopping Mall

Back in the 80’s there were three things that you had to fear most. 1. Being hit by a train while listening to your headphones too loudly. 2. Ending up on the side of a milk carton with the words “Missing!” and a terrible photo of you. 3. Walking on the third rail in a subway (thank you breakdancing movies). There were a few things that I wanted dearly as a child.

To be taken into space by some rogue alien and flying their ship or switching bodies with an adult. This movie took away something from me that I thought was the number one best thing about the 80’s: The chance to be locked inside a mall all night and free to do whatever the hell I wanted! Dreams were shattered once I watched Chopping Mall aka Killbots. These evil ass robots would make Johnny 5 from Short Circuit shit his robot guts.

Killbots are the security at the mall. No, its not some kinda secret government based mall. it’s a regular ass mall where apparently they feel the need to replace regular security with creepy little robots. The robots are supposed to just taser you or knock you out but after lightning strikes the mall the robots lose their microchip shit and start killing people.

The janitor deserved to die. He was a dick and he didn’t seem to enjoy his job anyway. The robots did him a favor. They also kill the dude that is supposed to be taking care of the robots. So now you have crazy killbots on the lose in a mall. No problem.

Oh, except that the mall isn’t empty! These teens (that look over 30) decided to spend the night at the mall having sex, smoking, drinking, and in one case being nerds. One of the groups come across one of the three killbots and gets her head blown clean the fuck off.

One of many goofy things about this movie is the inconsistency of the robots lasers. Sometimes they zap you and its like “Ow, my Jordache Jeans!” and other times its “Hey, remember when I had a head?” I love the fact that one of these goobers works in the mall and he didn’t know that fucking Terminators were watching the place at night. Now look. Hot chick ain’t got no head. And that’s like the third best part of a woman.

These “kids” decide to arm themselves to fight the robots. I’d be busy hiding in a bathroom and waiting for this shit storm to blow over, but hey, that’s just me. Oh, and because I’m Black and I know the rules! They always say that the virgins always survive (which they do in this movie) but the first goddamn one to go is the Black person. Not even Scatman Caruthers could’ve saved these idiots though.

The mall is full of weapon store and all kinds of flammable crap. I have a hard time even finding where to pay for parking validation. But back in the 80’s you could go to the mall and come home with fuel, flares, and a new Member’s Only jacket.

Of course two people survive and have the best story to tell over any dinner they ever attend for the rest of their lives. Somebody can be like “Oh, I remember having to sleep on my porch because I locked myself out the house! Bwahahaha!” to which they will reply “Me and my friends were locked in the mall overnight with three robots that shot lasers. Out of the eight of us only we two survived. This is good casserole by the way…”

They kill the final robot with explosives after they figured its treads couldn’t go on slippery material. So a company, likely Skynet, creates robots that can shoot lasers to patrol a mall at night but its hampered by slippery floors? Okay. Remind me to never make a machine that has the same weaknesses as an elderly woman.

Theater Whore: Abduction

I did it. Mr. Soot dared me and even offered to buy me a ticket. I declined. But after much soul searching (and large amounts of whiskey) I decided to watch this nonsense. Its as bad as you’d think. Now I already know that there are some people reading this and saying “Dante, you have amazing legs. How do you do it?” or “This movie isn’t even aimed at your demographic of 30-something year old Black dudes with amazing legs, so of course you wouldn’t like it.” To which I’ll reply “Bad knows no demographic!” I’ll walk you through this nonsense.

The movie starts off with Taylor Lautner (Twilight, Sharkboy And Lavagirl, Cheaper By The Dozen 2) as Nathan riding on the hood of his friends car while heading to a party to get drunk. These are high school kids by the way. He wakes up on the lawn with no shirt on and his dad shows up and brings him home to spar with him until he pukes. Let me point out that this movie uses any excuse to get this boy out of his clothes. “Breakfast is ready!” Shirt off. “You are failing school!” Shirt off. “Murder!!!” Shirt off. He likes this girl Lily Collins (Priest, The Blind Side) who plays Karen aka Eyebrows. Seriously, you could slice steel with this girls eyebrows. She seems like a bitch and ends up partnering with Nathan to do a report about missing kids. In a few minutes they find his picture.

Dante Answers The Phone

I was sitting at home minding my business when I got a disturbing phone call. While handling one situation another started. Watch and see what happens when I answer my phone.

TV Slut: Batman: Year One

“Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. And sometimes I share it…with someone like you.” - Batman

When you sit down for a moment and think about it, Batman is a creepy ass character. The look. The voice. The fact that he only comes out at night. There is nothing about the guy that is kid friendly. He’s not gonna climb a tree to save a cat. He’s more likely to stare it down. But surprisingly, Batman: Year One is not just the story of Batman. Its also about Commissioner James Gordon and Selina Kyle aka Catwoman.

This movie is based off of the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same title and sticks about 95% close to the source material. Bruce Wayne (I swear if I have to tell you who Bruce Wayne is I’m gonna box your ears!) returns to Gotham after being gone for years. He knows that the city needs to be cleaned up but is not quite sure how to do it. Arriving by train is Gordon who hates the city and regrets bringing his pregnant wife there from Chicago. Gordon meets his new partner Detective Flass who is an asshole jock that beats people up for fun and takes bribes. Gordon keeps an eye on him.

Meanwhile Bruce Wayne decides to try out some training and heads to where the hookers are. He is propositioned by a little girl whose pimp hits her and threatens Bruce with a knife. Bruce breaks him down like a human Jenga and is attacked by the same little girl he just helped! He gets stabbed and is then attacked by Selina Kyle who is a prostitute at this point. She matches him movie for move until the cops show up and shoot Bruce in the shoulder and arrest him. He gets free after crashing the squad car and saves both their lives. He gets home and recalls the night his parents were murdered and says that he would rather die than wait another for a way to fight crime. That’s when a giant bat crashes through the window giving him his inspiration.

Gossip & Shit November 16th 2011

Mariah Yeater the cray-cray girl who said Justin Bieber got her pregnant has stopped trying to get him to take a paternity case. But his lawyers are like “Oh, hell naw!” I hope they lock her dumb ass up. I know the jails in Canada are made of toilet paper but still.

Bradley Cooper was voted Sexiest Man Alive. Can he go away now? Please?

Selena Gomez’s dog ate a bunch of rocks. Not crack. For reals rocks. I understand not wanting to be around when Justin Bieber visits, but come on, puppy. It gets better.

Jennifer Lopez has a new 24 year old boyfriend. He’s her background dancer. Goddamn this woman. She just needs to never fall in love ever again.

FAP FILES: Carla Gugino

I totally forgot to do a Fap File the other day which is sad because you all would’ve missed the newest member to join a select group of female celebrities who have no idea how scared they should be that I find them attractive. Meet Carla Gugino. Even if you don’t know her name you’ve probably seen her in movies and TV. Karen Sisco, Sky Kids, Night At the Museum, Watchmen, Californiacation, Sucker Punch, and Entourage. And she has no problem whatsoever getting butt booty ass naked! How cool is that?! She survived being born in Florida and moved to Los Angeles until starting a modeling career at the age of 15.

Theater Whore: Immortals

I cant even begin to cover this movie like a normal movie review. If you heard my latest The Rant Zone podcast you know that I was super excited to see this movie. When I first saw the trailer for it I didn’t care whether or not the plot made sense of if the acting was terrible. I just wanted to see some slow motion fighting and lots of swords cutting folks heads off. Yeah, I did get that but mixed in with a whole lotta nonsense I didn’t want.

Superman finally lost his shit.

Immortals stars Henry Cavill (Man Of Steel, The Tudors) as Theseus. He lives in a poor ass village on the side of a mountain that is going to be invaded by Mickey Rourke’s (Sin City, Rumble Fish, The Wrestler) King Hyperion. Theseus sees his mom get her throat slit and vows to start whipping evil ass. Hyperion is looking for a cool ass bow that shoots magic arrows that can kill gods. After that he wants to set the Titans free to wreck shit on Earth because his family got killed and now he don’t care about nothing anymore. Aww. I think a hug would’ve solved all of this. Theseus gets captured but instead of killing him Hyperion makes him a slave. He breaks free with the help of thief and possible rapist Stephen Dorff (fuck him, I’m not listing his movies!) and they go to fight some more.

The Rant Zone Show 10

In this Rant Zone I cover the Top 10  Movies at the box office, another damn Howard Hughes film, a Lego movie of all things, more Oldboy remake news, a Dr. Who movie being developed, and Brad Pitt retiring from acting. Click here to get your rant on!

Super Mario Chart

This is so awesome. Someone put together every single Super Mario power up and what they do.

Insert Coin: Super Mario Bros. 3

“Super Mario Bros. 3 is a two-dimensional platform game in which the player controls the on-screen protagonist (either Mario or Luigi) from a third-person perspective. In addition to the running and jumping moves found in past games, the player can fly and float with the aid of the tanooki suit or the racoon suit. Super Mario Bros. 3 is set after the events of previous games. Mario and Luigi embark on a mission on behalf of Princess Toadstool to stop Bowser and his children—the Koopalings—from terrorizing the kings of seven regions in the Mushroom World. The Koopalings stole the kings' magic wands and transformed them into animals.”

This has to be the best Mario game ever created. Not only did it have nothing to do with that punk ass Mario Bros. 2 but it actually had elements of the original Mario Bros. game. There was just so much stuff in this game that made it ridiculously fun to play. You could get a little frog suit to swim in which was way better than using your regular punk ass arms and legs like in the first game. You could get a raccoon outfit that when you ran really fast you started flying in the air and wiggling your tail. Oh, it was so cute! Uh, I mean it was totally fucking bad ass. Yeah. Vagina rules! I’m gonna go punch a bear in the cock and dropkick a zebra! Sorry. Had to claim my manhood back.